Date: Oct. 19, 2002 Time: 2:46 PM My current mood is: Ummm....I don't know...stuff.... I just finished watching The Addams Family part 2, such a good movie. Wednesday rocks, that was like me as a child, lol. I love the part where she smiles and it looks so painful. Hehe. We had some new cleaning ladies come today, just to come bi-monthly to make sure our house doesn't rot to the ground. If you don't recall, the last ones quit because of me. They were too scared of my room. As I was watching the movie upstairs today, I could tell when the cleaning people got to my room, because that's when I heard the screams...oh well, they'll get over it. Afterwards I went downstairs to see all my animals were out and about in their cages crawling around, which probably added to the "scariness". *shrug* I don't know, I don't see the big deal. My snake J.D. is sitting here with me, such a cutey :) Haven't really been doing much, just staying inside, eating/throwing up, you know the drill. Yesterday night I went out to buy my sister alcohol and buy some McDonalds to b/p, I felt so anxious the whole time I was out, just wanted to be home. I don't know when I developed this fear of leaving my house, it's not like my house is so great or anything. I just get scared sometimes when I go out. Hehe my snake is kissing my foot. So ya, like the big dork I am, I stayed at home on a Friday night, just wanted to be alone with my porcelain goddess. I guess you could say I'm getting worse again, then again the definition of "worse" is changable. I no longer am keeping down 500 calories a day as of late, mainly binge/purging everything all the time again. Today so far I kept down 2 bites of an apple, 2 slices of tangerine, and 3 crackers. Even typing that I feel guilty. That's really all I can handle. Last night I managed to choke down a 50 calorie cup of soup and keep it down, felt guilty the whole time. So it's been weeks since I put in that application for an apartment, I haven't called back. I'm not sure if I should move out or not. Sure, it would be much easier for me, wouldn't have to always be hiding my ED, and wouldn't have to deal with my dad. I mean it would be much easier, not always be afraid of getting caught binging/purging/starving myself, I don't think I would get worse because of this, I just think it would be less stressful. The problem is, I guess I feel like it's greedy to want my own place. Why? I don't know. I just feel like it's asking too much out of life or something, like if it's something I want so much, obviously I don't deserve it. I feel like a bad person for wanting something to myself, which I know is lame because many people have their own apartment/house. *sigh* so I don't know. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: