Date: Oct. 18, 2002
Time: 4:20 AM
My current mood is:
Losing my grip
*sigh* Ok so today I binged/purged 4 times, and I may do it a 5th. Yesterday did it 3 times. (Interesting factoid:I weighed myself after my last binge and according to the scale I ate 4 1/2 pounds of food...is that a lot? Normal?) I'm so upset, I was down to doing it once a day, even every other day sometimes, and keeping down 500 calories. I know it doesn't seem like much, and obviously binging/purging once a day is not healthy, but for me it was good enough. So haven't been keeping much down lately. I slept for 15 hours too, guess all the purging is wearing me out! It's weird to say "all the purging" though, since throwing up 3-5 times a day has been normal for me in the past, it's just hard going back to that after getting it down to not so much. And it sucks, because I felt like I had control over it, like I *chose* to do it once a day, you know cause I just felt like doing it. Now it's like....I can't stop, it just keeps happening! It can be maddening, the feeling that you can't control something that is happening to you, yet that you are doing. Also what's annoying, is that I don't have enough energy to exercise, so I just sit on my fat ass not losing weight, also haven't been taking my diet pills. Blah. People say you can't lose weight with bulimia, it's not true, I totally can, it's just that I'm fucking LAZY AS ALL HELL! Also I have a paper due in 4 hours! Eeep! I'm not going to go. Which is dumb cause she said if you miss the class more then 6 times you will fail...I have no idea how many I have skipped, somehow seems more then 6 already. I really was going to do the paper, just with all the eating, throwing up, buying food, etc., I just didn't. I'm so stupid. And I didn't go to my photography class on Wednesday, hopefully he will let me go tomorrow to the other class of it, and not be pissed... why am I such a fuck up?? On a side note, I feel that Kid and Play movies are highly underrated.
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