Date: Oct. 16, 2002 Time: 5:30 PM My current mood is: Am I too cold? I feel bad. There's this guy in my class who for some ungodly reason likes me. He always gives me The Look...you know, the *Hey Baby how's it going?* look. The thing that weirds me out, is that he's totally NORMAL! I mean to the point of being the jock on campus type of guy. You know, the guy that's always talking and being outgoing yet never knows the right answers in class (I'm the type that always knows the answers but sits in the corner silent). He's always talking about sports and shit....I don't know, in a way I think I'm being judgmental. I don't mean to be, it's just that I'm weary of him...like I'm scared of him. I wasn't sure why, I mean he's always been nice to me, but then I was thinking, perhaps it's because I'm always expecting him to laugh at me? It's just sort of this feeling I have, like he's going to be an asshole any moment. I'm not sure if maybe it's a gut feeling and I'm right, or maybe I'm just prejudging him. The reason I'm talking about this is because today he asked me to come over his dorm and hang out with him. I immediatly put up my metaphorical sheild and said no. I already had plans to binge and purge(obviously I didn't say this!), so I told myself that's why I can't. He tried to convince me but I wouldn't have it. He then got kind of quiet and distant. I tried to be friendly cause I didn't want him to think I shot him down, but then he was like "Well, I tried to get you to hang out, you're missing out" he said disappointedly. He's a nice looking guy, I'm just scared of him for some reason, he just illicits this fight or flight response of me and I'm not sure why. I'm wondering if I should ask him to hang out next time I see him. Why am I so unfriendly? Why do I immediatly view him and anyone else as a threat? I guess I just want to know what it is he wants from me...why would he like me? Oh and lately haven't been feeling too well in relation to purging, which is odd since I've cut down a lot...figures! I mean seriously, I can do it 3 or more times a day all the time and be ok, yet once I cut down to once a day, THAT'S when my body starts freaking! Who the fuck knows. I just seem to get the shakes now when I purge. Nothing to important. The other night though it was bad, as it started happening while I had just started binging! Normally if I start shaking, I eat something and then I feel better. Except I had just started binging and there was no way I was keeping that down....so stupid me continued my binge and then threw it up, shaking the whole time. After that I wanted to come upstairs and I could barely walk. My legs were shaking an my knees wouldn't hold me up properly, I held onto the railing for dear life as I used it to pull myself up the stairs, somehow managed to make it up then down. It kind of scared me, actually not really just a tad, more was just annoying. Actually, in relation to that, I wanted to bring up something that susanb said in my guestbook. She said that part of her was envious when reading my diary, though she is recovered. That's actually a good subject to bring up. I understand that my diary may be triggering in some ways, even to people who have never had an ED, may think "I wish I could have that willpower/lose weight/etc". That's why I bitch so much about my physical symptoms, I mean I do it partially because it's just what's on my mind, but also I do it because I don't want to leave anything out about having an eating disorder. I can't just say "Wow this is fun I'm losing weight!", without talking about my body slowely going to shit. So I dunno...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try to include the bad too, though it may seem like I complain a lot, this is why I complain. Well, that and I just like to complain lol. So I don't know, I understand the feeling of reading about someone with an ED and thinking "God I wish I could be like that", because trust me I think like that too, but I also feel bad because I think what people don't realize...is that people who eat normal, I wish I could be like that. Once angel-stars said she admired my willpower...the thing is though, I'm not really the one with the willpower, it's the opposite. People who can eat normal, they're the ones with the willpower, because I wish i had the willpower to eat normal. I don't. I just don't want to glamorize anything. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: