Date: Oct. 09, 2002 Time: 1:38 AM My current mood is: More hopelessness Ah so here I am once again, pulling out strands of hair, writing this entry. I still didn't do my journal for class at all...not purely out of apathy, because I do care that I will do shitty, but more of a general hopelessness. Why bother? Everything sucks and I want to die...I'm going to fucking fail, why start do schoolwork knowing I'm going to fail and all the world is crap anyway? Dispair is all I feel right now. Why can't I break out of this?? I mean yes I'm always depressed anyway, but it does ease up or get worse, I just don't understand why it won't ease up already, I just feel absolutly horrible everyday now, at this point I'm BEGGING for mild depression... please can I be mildly depressed!! Or even moderatly, I'll take that too! I wrote a messege on my friend's webpage saying hi and he's pissed off at me now. It has this thing where you can put a little cartoon picture in your messeges, so I randomly put a picture of a cartoon axe into the messege, and now he's all pissed saying I put violent things on his page :( I didn't mean to, I was just saying hi. Now he erased the whole messege and is mad. I feel like shit, people always misunderstand what I mean. I was just trying to say hi. John and I talked on the phone today, we always talk for hours when we do. We talked about his past girlfriends, I told him he has bad taste in women(including me, haha) :P I silently reveled in knowing that all his ex's were mean to him and I am like the only one that was nice, ha! He mentioned he wants to fly over to visit around Christmas/New Years. I hope I don't end up sleeping with him again like I did last time he came to visit. Just cause I don't want to start pining away for him again, blah blah blah. I really hope I'm thin at that point though, when John and I went out I was like 95lbs, I better be less then that when he visits. I liked talking to him though, we hadn't talked in soooo long, it's always good to hear his voice. I better stop eating so much, tomorrow gotta get back on scheduale. I really have no idea how much I've been eating, I tend to forget when I purge what I eat, and think I actually kept it all down. Earlier I went to go puke and saw there was remnents of puke already in the toilet, eek! I can't believe I didn't even know it was there, good thing my dad didn't see it. I really didn't even remember when it was from. *shrug* My mind is in a fog. I'm kind of sick, I think I have a cold. It sucks. A lot. What else is there to say? I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked. I wish I could drop this semeseter, I can't handle school right now. I'm already on academic probation from last semester, I should of just taken some time off! How can I concentrate on schoolwork when all I want to do is fucking die? The ONLY reason I haven't killed myself years ago, is cause of my family, I wouldn't want to do that to them. That's really the only goddamn reason I'm here. So incase you're wondering why I don't just shoot myself and get it overwith and quit whining already, that's why. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: