Date: Oct. 07, 2002
Time: 11:43 AM
My current mood is:
ER made me suicidal?
Last night I got home from work, I was so burned out. Seriously, retail can be so draining. My house was freezing when I got home, not only was the heat not on but my dad had the windows open too! I don't know what the temperature was, but tonight it's going to be 40 degrees so I'm assuming that's what it was last night too. I also discovered that he had shut my heat off downstairs, fucking bastard!! See my room is in the downstairs which has a seperate heat thing. I ALWAYS tell him to not touch the heat, but he doesn't care he just shuts it off/lowers it anyway. Infact last winter, my snake wouldn't eat for a month because the lack of heat! I was so angry, cause yes it's cold for me, but goddamnit I have animals, I will NOT let him treat them like that! The thing I hate though, is that I'll tell him not to touch my heat, and he'll say "Ok, I won't", then later on that day he'll go shut it off. This will happen multiple times a day. And he will promise not to shut it off multiple times a day. He's such a bastard, why doesn't he just say "no I WILL shut it off", at least that would be more straight forward. Anyway, so I yelled at him again last night about that. Once again he randomly gave me orders to do things, I found myself wondering if it would be possible, if just for one day he would not tell me what to do. Is it? I seriously don't think so. I really don't think it is physically possible for him to be around me and not boss me around. Just one day is all I ask. Last night as he was telling me to wash the towels(he had already told me 100 times) I seriously almost screamed, it makes me fucking freak out. When someone says something to you over and over and over it just grates on your nerves and makes you want to SHOOT SOMEONE! The question is, why don't I do it the first time he asks? Because usually when he asks me, I'm in the middle of something else, like he'll tell me to do something as I'm leaving for school. I mean I Just don't understand it, why tell someone to do something like every 5 minutes? Ok, enough of that, the point is, I started getting all anxious and stressed out last night. THen he was walking around the house and I could hear him walking past the door loudly, and I Don't know why but it made me so stressed, I seriously was freaking out just cause my dad was walking around. Ya, I'm weird. So I took some more of my dad's anti-anxiety pills, I *think* it helped, but not sure if it was that or throwing up that calmed me. I don't know why, but when I hear people walking around the house it makes me get so anxious. Who knows what's wrong with me.I talked to my psych. a little while ago today, he called wondering why I never took the blood test. I told him that I had decided to stop taking the Serzone, it's makeing me more depressed. He didn't believe me! WHat the fuck?? He said that's highly unlikely. So I told him that I've had other meds in the past make my depression worse. What the hell. After this lovely conversation, I watched my daily rerunds of ER, it was the episode where Dr.Green decided he didn't want chemo anymore for his brain tumor. He decided he didn't want to be hooked up to machines and on pills for the last months of his life. His wife accused him of giving up. I started thinking about this, and thinking about my own situation of going off my meds. Perhaps that's what I'm doing, going on pill after pill, trying to acquire some sembelence of a normal life, as the side affects of them get worse and worse....perhaps I too, should give up? I started thinking about how perhaps I'm beating a dead horse, kind of like when someone is a vegetable, and plugged into all kinds of contraptions to keep them alive. When really, they should just let that person die. Perhaps that's like me. Maybe I should do what's best for everyone. I started thinking about how I would "get my things in order", like saying I love you to people, saying goodbye. Mind you, this is just what I was thinking about earlier, I'm not actually going to kill myself, anytime soon that is. Actually yesterday I was thinking about killing myself too, I was thinking of the different methods people use, and wondering about some of the more seemingly underused methods. What ever happened to carbon monoxide poisoning? Sitting in your garage with the car running? Why does everyone go the pill route? Ok anyway, that's all, I'm going to download the song Bloody Kisses by Type O Negative right now(cause I"m too lazy to go downstairs and get the cd lol). Great song about the suicide of a loved one, I recommend you download it. No seriously, it's my favorite Type O song, LISTEN TO IT NOW!
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