Date: Oct. 05, 2002 Time: 1:10 PM My current mood is: Need this to stop I did end up going to the Friday photography class and doing my film, yay! The professer seemed a lot happier with me, I am now redeamed. And oddly enough, that guy that I met the other day, that to young for me Emo dude was in that class. So we talked and shit. Hehe, it was so cute, at one point when I was doing my film(we were all in the dark room), I look over and he's staring at me, looking as if he wants to walk over to me but too afraid to or something, lol, then he walked over to me. So young and innocent..oh the ways I could corrupt him ;) I feel kinda bad though cause I left without saying goodbye to him. I guess I didn't want to act too friendly. Last night my dad and sister were out, so out of bordom I decided to binge/purge. Except while I was in the middle of it my sister came home, and kept coming downstairs to do laundry and knocking on my door, and talking to me. So I ended up eating and throwing up a couple times but didn't actually purge all of what I ate. So I took the Milk of Magnesia lax I bought. I know that's not a good thing to do, but the idea of "I can take this if I Don't purge a binge" is stuck in my head. Hung out with Hilary and Julie after. It was weird, when I picked up Hilary, the first thing Mike said when I walked in was "Damn you're so fat Ilana" in this sarcastic way, grinning. We always jokingly make digs at each other, so I know he wasn't serious, but I wonder why is that the first thing he said to me? Is it noticable that I lost weight? If he knew I had an ED, I bet he wouldn't make comments about my weight so much. When I came home, I talked to Christopher and unfortunatly he was really really depressed and wanting to die, mostly because he was drunk. It hurt me so much to hear him talk like that, I just want to hug him :( The thing is, the whole time I was trying to talk positive to him and cheer him up, I was painfully depressed myself. I didn't say I was or anything, I was just focusing on trying to get him in a happier mood. But god....I can't take this anymore. I've been so goddamn depressed I can't even explain how bad. I can barely move the internal pain(emotional, not physical) is so much, it's as if someone is digging a knife into my gut, stabbing me over and over. I decided last night that I'm fairly sure the Serzone is making me depressed(well more then I already am), because this is fucking awful. I mean I'm used to being depressed, but this is more then I can take. If this keeps up I'm literally going to fail out of school from depression. I can't live like this. I'm going to call my psych. on monday and tell him I've stopped the meds. I mean I was even too depressed at my last appointment to tell him that I wanted to stop taking it! *sigh* my dad just came in and informed me I need to go food shopping and do a wash load of towels. I don't have the energy for this kind of crap....blah now he's telling me to clean the kitchen table... Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: