Date: Oct. 02, 2002 Time: 2:36 PM My current mood is: A mouse loose in my room (again) Whoa I'm dizzy right now. And you know what, I actually thought to myself "I wonder why I'm dizzy?". Ha! Ya, that's a good one, maybe it's cause I've been starving myself retard. Sometimes I actually forget that the way I eat isn't normal. It's so odd though, how I went from binging and purging everything I eat praticly, to suddenly now back to just restricting calories lately. Back and forth, back and forth, I think my attention span is to short to stick with just one disorder. I also started drinking tons(healthy amounts) of water, contributing to a 5 pound weight loss since my last entry! Fucking cool man. See I TOLD you I was bloated! Now only 10 more pounds till I'm 93. Anyway, still eating around 500 calories a day, and I'm starting to get very obsessive and fearful of calories/food again. I say "starting to", because normally when I just binge and purge all the time, I don't really count calories much. I keep like a loose tally, keeping down a minimal amount, but since when I'm bulimic I normally will only keep down things that are 100 or less calories at a time, it's usually a low daily amount anyway. And half the things I plan on keeping down I end up accidentally purging later on in the day. Ok now I'm just rambling :P But anyway, just wanted to say I haven't quit bulimia, I know I will purge in the future, but right now I'm not. Yesterday I went to my psychiatrist appointment. I felt so embarrised and fearful, that I just didn't really say anything that I wanted to say. Part of the reason I was like that, is cause my psych. had told me weeks ago that I needed to get a blood test to make sure my liver is doing ok with the Serzone I'm taking (people have died from it). But...I'm just too fat to go so I can't!!! I know how illogical that sounds, but I just can't go to a new docter weighing the amount I weigh. He asked me why haven't I gone, and I just shrugged. I was too embarrised to tell him why, cause I know he'd think I was a fucking idiot. I KNOW it's stupid and irrational, and that I'm playing with death here, but my mind is fucked. I told him about the side effects I get sometimes, and he was like "Ok I want you to instead of making an appointment at the docters, just go to a hospital and get your blood tested TODAY". Ummm...so ya, that was yesterday, and I haven't gone. I'm kinda scared though, cause I'm not really sure if I can just walk into some place and tell them to test my blood. Also I wanted to tell him that I wanted to go back on Zoloft but I dont know, my mouth just wouldn't cooperate with my head, and I just sat in silence. And something else wonderful, I have a mouse running loose in my room! I bought 2 mice to feed my snake, but then when I got home I realized he was about to shed, meaning I have to wait till he sheds first before he'll eat. So I put the 2 mice in this bucket, like a foot and a half high. The next day...mysteriously one had gotten out! How the fuck can a mouse jump that high??? So finally I managed to catch it(pouncing around my room like a cat), and put them in a container with a cover. Of course then they proceded to attack each other repeatedly. So I put one in the bucket, one in the container. The one in the bucket got out again, and is now running around my room. Blah! I should just let my snake loose in my room and he will catch him ;P Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: