Date: Oct. 01, 2002 Time: 12:15 AM My current mood is: Prozac Nation I can tell you right now, this entry is going to be all about depression. I just finished reading Prozac Nation, finally. I'm a fairly quick reader, but I leave large gaps inbetween readings, it's been sitting unfinished in my room for months now. Before I get into my whole views on everything bit, here's an update my own depression. I just wanted to say, that lately I've been wanting to cut myself a lot, and irronically enough, the thing that has stopped me has NOT been willpower, wanting to be kind to myself, or any of that. It's because when I feel the urge to cut the strongest, I've just been too depressed to bother. It's pretty bad when you're lying in bed, looking at the sharp object on the nightstand right next to. Just staring at it, wishing you had the energy to grab it and began slicing and dicing, yet you realize, it's just too much energy to even reach out for it, let alone having the energy to even cut. Did you know the time inwhich is the highest likelyhood of suicide is NOT when the person is horribly depressed? Strange but true...the highest likelyhood is when they start feeling better either by mood shift or by taking anti-depressants. This is because depression is so completely draining, the person often wants to die but is just too apathetic to bother doing it. It's the uplift in mood that allows them the energy and will to follow through on killing themself. So if I was less depressed, I would cut myself right now. It's true. Even writing this entry was hard for me(had to sit down to write it twice, got too despondant the first time), just didn't have the mental energy to write something like this. Which to a normal person, they would wonder what I mean. On the book, I could relate somewhat to what she was saying/experiencing. After the innitial "oh cool she has depression too, I can relate!", I realized that there are also ways I couldn't relate. Why do I feel like I'm writing a book report or something, lol? Anyway, I couldn't relate to how...how public she made her suffering. Not in writing the book, but in her experiences. Like in one part where she falls to the floor in a bookstore and starts bawling her eyes out. I could never do that. Infact I could never do a lot of the things she did, like all the drama and crying to her friends, having her friends trying to make her feel better as she's having a depressive episode....just the shear amount of crying made me feel cold inside. It seemed so... I Don't know, like she was a volcano, and her depression molten lava bursting out, running down covering everything surrounding her. And me, I'm just like a block of ice. Exactly that. My depression I keep frozen inside, never showing much except for the occasional hint. It's weird being able to relate to her thinking, but not her actions. Thinking to myself "Umm...ya I'm suicidal too, but you don't see ME being like that". I'm not the type to have a nervous breakdown, or at least a visable one. Sure, I can be falling apart mentally, but outwardly I would never dream to start sobbing on someone, to start screaming or any type of "look at me I'm depressed!" type of action. It's weird too, cause I've seen friends go through depression, and often times it's like that, they have these dramatic "episodes" where everyone in the room is unsure of what to do, of times where I've had to talk the person into giving me the knife they are holding, or driving around aimlessly in a carload of people trying to find where she ran off too, cause she might try to kill herself or something. And I'm not putting people down for this, this is just how it affects some people. But I've never been like that, and it's odd. It's odd to have someone act totally crazy, then tell you what is on their mind and think "Umm..shit, I think the exact same too...am I going to flip out like this? Howcome I'm NOT flipping out like this?". I could never publicly freak out, because that of course, would be a bother to people. I've never shouted threats of suicide, or tried to kill myself for attention or so that people could find me and save me. Ever since I can remember, I always knew that if I was going to kill myself, I wouldn't breath a word to anyone about it so that I wouldn't have anyone trying to stop me. And the one time I did try to kill myself, I did just that. Didn't say a word before or after, until years later. And cry? I never cry to people, never bawl my eyes out infront of everyone. Even alone, I rarely cry. It's just odd to see the different ways people can react to depression. Odd to read in Prozac Nation about her going into a mental hospital (well they call it a place to "rest"), yet myself thinking "oh I think those thoughts all the time". I've always sort of hoped I could have a mental breakdown. I know that sounds bizarre, but it's like this: a mental breakdown I figured, was like an end, and a public confession of how crazy you are. But it never happened, so I've always just sat quietly, pretending I'm fine. I almost wish I could really flip out one day, some days I feel near to it but I know I will never actually, because I simply would never allow myself to. In a way I try to get through life as if it's a job. I always try to act professional. I can't just have no control over myself and let myself become a heaping mess of weeping and screaming. Like I said earlier, I'm more ice then volcanic eruption. No one really knows my thoughts. Well, except in this diary, and in therapy. But in daily life? I would never say any of these things! I could never show that much emotion, that much internalness(if that's a word). I prefer to fake a smile, and brush off any "are you ok?" questions. I suppose I'm just very private about my mental affairs. Do people cry in therapy? I've heard people do that. I've never once cried in therapy. So much unnecessary emotion, I feel disgust even thinking about if I did...the shame and embarrisment I would feel, so WEAK! But I never would, so that doesn't matter. In a way, it all makes me wonder if I really am depressed. I don't act like it outwardly. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: