Date: Sept. 27, 2002
Time: 2:11 PM
My current mood is:
I hate you for being what I can never be
Fucking bitch. What did she do to me? Absolutly nothing. She doesn't even know me. She's not mean, rude, or has offended me or my ideologies in any way. So why am I so fucking angry at her, this random girl who's web blog I read? Because she's so goddamn happy. Fuck you. Fuck you and your happy updates, fuck you for "loving and being loved", fuck you for having "nice conversations" with people. Fuck you for having nice days, and for being incredably happy that you're getting married in 9 months, fuck you for always including what meals you ate that day and how great they tasted, fuck your boyfriend for being nice enough to bring you home those meals, fuck you for making cotten candy, fuck you for "sleeping so soundly", fuck you for always having good news to write about. I hate how happy you are, and I hate all of that I mentioned, mostly because I don't understand why I can't be like that too. But fuck that, I don't want to be like that. *sigh* I just feel like smashing something or crying. I missed classes today again, because I woke up to being extremely depressed and ended up just lying in bed watching reruns of ER (Carter I love you.) Umm, anyway... I feel like such a fuck up, being mad at someone because they're happy in life. I'm such a juvinile jealous retard. I have never and will never be like that, and it creates such a scathing hatred and anger in me. And it pisses me off that she...that she has such a NORMAL view of food. That she writes about what she eats, but not the calories, she writes about how yummy it is. It makes me want to scream, howcome I can't have that?? Why? There is no point for me to even be alive, I'm such a waste of space, a nothing. I've been really trying not to cut myself, the urges have been stronger lately. Earlier this week I jabbed my arm a few times with a clicky pen(ha, I know you like those eublepharis), it was fairly dull, only made red raised lines on my arm that lasted the rest of the day, but were gone the next. Hey I was in class, that's all I had available. Once again swimming through a see of darkness, I wonder, why can't I find salvation? Why does it seem other people can and I cannot? What is left for me? I am useless. I should be used as a lab guinipig, just to be experimented on, what other purpose could I ever serve? I can't wait till I move out so that my family will not have to look at me and feel shamed everyday. Ok I'll shutup now. Go on stuffing my face. Can you tell I'm having an off day? "kinda like a cloud i was up way up in the sky
and i was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe
sometimes i don't believe them myself
and i decided i was never coming down
just then a tiny little dot caught my eye
it was just about too small to see
but i watched it way too long
it was pulling me down
i was up above it
i was up above it
now i'm down in it
shut up so what what does it matter now
i was swimming in the haze now i crawl on the ground
and everything i never liked about you
is kind of seeping into me
try to laugh about it now
but isn't it funny how everything works out
"i guess the jokes on me," she said
i was up above it
i was up above it
now i'm down in it
i used to be so big and strong
i used to know my right from wrong
i used to never be afraid
i used to be somebody
i used to have something inside
now just this hole that's open wide
i used to want it all
i used to be somebody
i'll cross my heart i'll hope to die
but the needle's already in my eye
and all the world's weight is on my back
and i don't even know why
what i used to think was me is just a fading memory
i looked him right in the eye and said goodbye " -Down in it by Nine Inch Nails
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