Date: Sept. 27, 2002
Time: 1:47 AM
My current mood is:
Serzone fucking me up again
Right now I'm eating grapes, and wishing I were sleeping. But I can't sleep!! Grrr. Just lie in bed with my eyes shut, but nothing happens. And I have to get up at 7am for class. It's from my meds, I stopped taking them for a few days then today started again, and of course got a lovely load of side effects. It was pretty bad, I went shopping with Julie and it was so hard to function. I felt like I was tripping, though not seeing visuals, just mentally felt all fucked up, as well as physically. I couldn't even buy anything because I didn't think I'd be able to handle purchasing something, like the physical act of doing it, I was just too confused and disoriented. I kept having to remind myself to act normal, don't act psychotic, ignore the fever-like symptoms, and plead with myself not to pass out like I felt like I was going to. Time seemed all messed up too. And when I looked in the mirror I saw the familier lack of any color in my skin at all except that it was all yellow, and my pupils were widely dialated. If Serzone makes your skin yellow, it says that means it's causing liver disfunction. Yay. I realized today that I REALLY need to go to the docter to get my liver levels tested, badly. I haven't been letting myself cause I weigh too much, but this is rediculous to be on a medication for a month now, and to have symptoms of liver disfunction from day one and not do anything about it. Ahh, the perks of being self destructive. Perhaps I will die and get it overwith. Anyway, so today totally sucked and I didn't really get to enjoy hanging out or going shopping, what with all the being psychotic and stuff. Not to worry, my next psych. appointment I believe is on Monday....I think? I'm going to request to go back on Zoloft, even though it won't last very long at least for a little bit I can enjoy it, right? I'm mad too, I had planned on buying hydrocortizone for my goddamn stomach, and couldn't cause I was too much of a mess! See, a few weeks ago I forgot that my skin on my stomach is hypersensitive, and I put moisturizer on it. So of course it got all red and hives, and being the lazy fuck that I am I didn't wash it off till the next day. Since then, I keep scratching it cause it's SO FUCKING ITCHY, and so I just keep making it worse. Plus, I keep putting different things on it in hopes of making it get better, and that just keeps making it get even worse! So it's all fucked up now. And it's really pissing me off. I need to see a dermatologist. Why am I eating these grapes?? I'm such a fucking COW, I went out to eat with Julie and I was too fucked up to purge, I've eaten way too much already. I'm just so horribly angry at myself for being the weight I am, there's absolutly no excuse for me not weighing in the mid to low 90's! I disgust myself, I'm such an embarrisment. When I do go to the docters, I'm going to refuse to get weighed. Yes this will be a new docter and that will be starting things off on the wrong foot, but I don't care, I just can't allow myself to be weighed. I've also decided that I'm a pussy for not ever weighing in the 80's. I'm just a stupid wannabe if I'm not 88lbs.
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