Date: Sept. 12, 2002 Time: 4:07 AM My current mood is: I'm drinking flat diet coke *sigh* I'm really depressed right now. Not quite sure why. I skipped my classes today as well as the meeting I was supposed to have with my advisor, I'm such a bitch. I just layed in bed all day sleeping, being on the computer, and reading comics such as Squee, and Cheese and Milk. Yes, there is a comic called Cheese and Milk, and I happen to like it. Even though it contains lactose. This horrible feeling inside me, I feel like I just want to bawl my eyes out for no reason at all, yet I don't really cry so it's not like I'm going to. I really want to binge/purge, and I almost feel like that's the reason I'm upset, is because I can't. I have to be on a fast because I'm having my colonoscopy on Friday...eep! So can't have anything except clear liquids. Which to me means don't bother with clear liquids, if I'm going to fast may as well have nothing at all. Earlier I kept down a normal meal, perhaps that's what's bothering me? After I ate it I felt really tired and ended up falling asleep. God I'm so hidiously gross, the very fact that I'm just barely underweight is horrible. My existance is not justified unless I am underweight, I am not really me at this weight, more just a shadow of myself. I feel like I'm holding my breath, and will continue to till I am back at a decent size, where I can finally breath a sigh of relief. Spoiled. SPOILED! That's what I am. That's what She says I am. She's probably right. Too much, I have excess, that's not right.. being normal weight means I have excess. It means I am taking too much, it means I'm living too comfortably. Someone mentioned I should live in a third world country in TF, and you know I think I would like that. I crave poverty. I really do, as strange as that sounds. I don't believe I could ever feel truely comfortable unless I had next to nothing. I am middle class, which I hate. I hate my fucking house, my fucking yard, my fucking everything. It makes me very uncomfortable. It's not like I'm rich, but even living middle class seems like...I don't know, seems like a sacraledge(sp?). It seems wrong. It's too much and I don't deserve it. I can't stand having anything at all. Where did this rant come from anyway?? Oh ya, about being spoiled. Donna once again said I was spoiled in her email. She says it all the time, with this vile tone. Nevermind that her house is huge compaired to ours. She always says we are spoiled and that my dad gives us everything. Perhaps she is right. Perhaps the already limited amount that my dad and I speak to each other is too much. My grandfather is right I should have nothing, not even a roof over my head. He speaks the truth. My dad and Donna broke up for good by the way. My dad totally told her off! He finally realizes she's a psycho. Once again he didn't actually tell me any of this, I found out on my own. That's good though that they did. She was psycho, and she totally hated me and my sister. I'd post the email my dad sent, but it's way too long. Ok writing this entry didn't really help, I'm STILL really depressed. Good thing I don't have school tomorrow, so I can just sit around moping and not bothering to get dressed, like I did today. *As a side note, I just had to mention that this guy Matt(gay guy who always wants to go out with me..odd) that I'm friends with at school told me that over the summer he was going out with a midget!!! Seriously! And he said he had a small dick! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: