Date: Sept. 04, 2002 Time: 1:08 PM My current mood is: Morrissey and reflection on internal calm I just had to say Arthur, I actually did listen to a Morrissey song last night! Aren't you proud of me? Hehe. Though I don't normally listen to Morrissey, I do find it interesting that he considered himself asexual. Not many people are willing to go sexless! I give him mad props for that, it's certainly noteworthy in my book. Ya, and I just downloaded the song you told me to ;) I didn't end up cleaning my room, or going food shopping, I'll have to do that today. Today I actually have to go to my school and re-register my car/get my scheduale/all that crap, because school starts TOMORROW! Ack. I think I've decided that I'm going to drop radio. I need to limit myself to the bare necessities class-wise, which means 12 credits only. Yes, I'm aware most people take 5 or 6 classes a semester, but if I need to focus and start doing well in school again, I need to limit myself. It's easier to focus on less classes you know? I figure I'll just keep taking summer courses and that will even it out so I'll graduate on time(or almost on time). I'm psyched I lost 2lbs! Now just 9 to go. It grosses me out to think I am going back to school looking like this, how disgraceful. You know, I think it's the fucking coolest thing that I ate a whole cake in 2 days, and lost 2 pounds while doing it. Ok ok, sorry, not trying to advocate bulimia. But still, if you think about it, it's kinda interesting eh? Just gotta make sure I keep calm about it, don't start going to overboard, I'm already up to 3 times a day again, need to keep telling myself not to do more then that. More then 3 times a day and I get very miserable. I'm glad I've reached sort of an internal peace with it. I used to hate myself so much for it, each time I binged/purged I felt awful and berated myself for it. I was suicidal everytime I did it. That's no way to live life. Now sure, I'm not better or anything, but at least I've reached an internal calm. I've learned(and still am learning) to have fun with it. Just sit back and enjoy it, why be all depressed over it? I mean sure it's a depressing disorder, but you know what, what's the use of just feeling awful about it all the time? I'm thinking I should stop buying so much diet food, I mean geez that's no way to binge and purge, eating fuckin Skinny Chips and Lean Cuisines. If I'm going to eat and throw up, may as well be the good stuff right?? The only thing is that I'm worried I'll get carried away and will eat and purge it all too quickly and then my dad will see all the food is gone. I figure with the low cal food and stuff, it's easier to not binge/purge it. I really want to buy a box of fried chicken. Ufff my shoulder is hurting a lot lately, well not like it ever doesn't hurt but just more annoying then usual. I wish I knew how to make it feel better :( The pills the docter gave me make me really sleepy all day long, so I hate taking them. Plus, I didn't notice them making it any better anyway. I'll still save them though, I may want to take them for "recreational use", hehe. Oh and next week is the colonoscopy! AHHHHH!! Ya, I'm finally having it, I guess they were all booked when I made the appointment(like a month ago!), what is this like colonoscopy season? lol. Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: