Date: Sept. 03, 2002
Time: 1:12 AM
My current mood is:
In a chocolate cake haze
Everything's fuzzy, I just purged. I didn't eat anything all day till dinner, unfortunatly I had to eat a fat filled plate of food followed by TWO unsuccessful attempts to purge it! It was great though earlier, I hadn't kept down anything since the morning of the day before, I loved the dizziness I felt as I walked through the mall with Hilary today. I felt guilty though, when I tried on some pants that were a size 3 and I had to go get a size 1 instead, cause Hilary asked me why and what size was I getting. She's not fat at all, but definitly a lot bigger then a size 1 or 3, probably more like a size 10? It made me feel really bad cause I don't want her to feel like she's fat, like she's not thin enough or something. That's what I hate, sometimes I feel like a negative influence on people when I really don't mean to be. When people say they wish they had my body, or when they hear what size/weight I am, it makes me feel horrible to think I have a part in lowering their own self image, to make someone else feel not good enough. That hurts me to think that. When people talk about the negative affect the media has on girls, about the super skinny models and all that, sometimes I feel like I'm part of it, like I'm part of the problem. That just by being underweight, it might make other people feel bad about themselves or make them envious. I don't want that. When people comment on my weight in an envious way, I don't even know what to do, cause I don't take it as a compliment. I don't want them to see thinness as being better. Cause why should it be? I don't know, I just wish everyone was comfortable with themself, and didn't idolize thinness. Needless to say, I need to get to 93 pounds as fast as possible! I think I may of had more to say but my mind is all hazy from throwing up...I bought a CAKE! Ok I only ate one slice, hehe. But that's cause I was already too full from eating other stuff.
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