Date: Aug. 28, 2002 Time: 5:14 AM My current mood is: I can't sleep, a banana woke me up Right now I'm listening to Netscape Radio, it's pretty cool, go download it. They have tons of stations, right now I'm listening to the Gothic station. They even have a Gay Pride radio station! Anyway, this is lame, it's 4:30am and I woke up for no reason other then to go to the kitchen and eat a banana and nectarine. Now I feel like I should just eat more and then just throw it all up. But no, I threw up 4 times yesterday, I need to chill out with the purging. I think my goal would be to get it down to once a day, that's definitly something I could handle. Once it gets up to 4-5 times a day it's just way too much and I start becoming much more miserable. I mean think about it, say it takes me an hour to eat and throw up(ok it can take less but just for an example!), if I'm doing it 5 times a day, that's 5 hours out of my day....like half my day praticly is spent binging/purging! That's lame. So my goal is to get it down to once a day, and I know it sounds weird to say it's a goal to "only" puke once a day, but trust me it's VERY hard for me to do that. So the thing I've been thinking about for the past half hour: My aunt and grandfather. More specifically, how am I going to speak to them after not talking to either of them since Fathers Day(a few months??). It's one of those things where I'm just delaying the inevitable, when I call/go over to see them, I know for a fact they will bitch me out. I know this already, which is why I keep putting it off. They will tell me how stupid I am, how I wasn't raised right because my parents are stupid(gee thanks considering my mom is dead, wonderful thing to hear), how spoiled I am, and generally what a horrible person I am. Verbal abuse levels will be high. But it needs to be done, I need to just break this feud and get it overwith. Because once I can get passed all that, things will settle down. I talked about this with this online friend I have(hey Sarah if you're reading this!), she gave me some really great advice on this. This whole time I've always tried to stand up for myself, try to change them, go against the bad things they say, but for what? She suggested to just listen quietly and agree with everything they say, and just ignore it. Because you know what, no matter how I react, it isn't going to change them. I can try all I want to change their points of view, to try to stand up to them when they say mean things, but in the end I'm just doing what they want. They WANT me to get all riled up. They purposly say things so that I will react, I need to learn to just give up on that, realize that they are the way they are, they don't know any better. It really does make sense, to just be silent and occasionally nod, to agree with anything they say and just internally ignore it. Sure I know part of me will feel defeated, but you know what, I need to stop thinking I can win with them. I can't. There is no use trying to fight them, because that's what they want. I need to just not even play their game. I'm still nervous though about what to do when I call them, what do I say? I'm so anxious about it, I know it's going to be reallly hard to deal with them. But I need to just keep in mind, this is all they know. Anger, being overly controling, verbally abusive, and very manipulative. I should of known better to even get into that stupid fight with my aunt, the reason of us not talking for so long. Basicly I just exploded at her about how she always tries to make me feel horrible.... but what's the point of saying that? Like I said before, she's not going to change. She now refuses to even acknowledge why we're in a fight, she told my sister she has no idea why I'm not speaking to them but that they are mad at me cause I'm being like that. Dude, whatever. I need to not take them so personally. They are screwed up people, I can't expect them to act normal, that's just the way they are. It's like trying to tame an animal that can't be tamed, you can't then go and blame it and yell at it, you need to just realize that's how it is, and you can't take it personally. I just need to suck it up and call, deal with the initial screaming then wait for it to subside. Ok, I need to get back into a routine with the eating, 105lbs in unacceptable! At 105lbs, I'm not really me. I really feel that way, like I'm not actually myself at this weight, I'm just a shadow of my former self. Here are my goals(isn't this the coolest HTML list ever?): Drink powdered fiber mixed in water every morning to help my failing digestive system Puke once a day, or any binges Eat 500 calories a day(does not include the once a day binge/purge) Drink a shit load of water, hopefully 12 cups a day Exercise an hour a day, am allowed to start off with just a half an hour to get myself used to it(cause I'm a lazy shit who never exercises) Weigh myself daily Yay, Assemblage 23 just came on the Netscape radio on the Industrial channel! A remix of one of my favorite songs, Naked. My favorite song by them is Disappoint, it's an anti-suicide song. I especially love listening to it if I feel like killing myself, it really makes you think and realize what happens to the people you leave behind, how tormented they feel. Wow, now I'm listening to a song called "Whole Wheat Rolls", what an odd thing to write a song about. Oooooh now Fear Factory! Ok I'm having way too much fun with this. Wow I haven't listened to Fear Factory in awhile though, I forgot how fucking rad they are. I love how he alternates screaming with this melodic voice. If you don't have them, then go download some now! Do it. Or I'll come after you. Same goes for Assemblage 23. Hey, you got nothing else better to do, right? Oh wait, that's just me. Hehe. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: