Date: Aug. 14, 2002 Time: 2:27 AM My current mood is: Mmmmmm pills.......... Geez I finally finished my webpage assignment for class! It was due today, I did about 80% of it last night at 1am, hehe. I always put things off like that, like doing 6 page papers the night before, but the thing is I actually seem to get better grades when I do that, weird huh? Now my next one that is due next Tuesday, the final, has to be an 8 page webpage! Damn, what the fuck am I going to make 8 pages about? Actually I'm just going to make a personal webpage, I've been meaning to make a new one anyway so I decided to just make it for my final project, then post it on the web. I just got back from Hilary and Mike's, we were watching G.I.Joe and discussing Multiplicity(multiple personalities), looking at Dark Personalities. Interesting stuff. I find it fascinating, the idea of being an *Empowered Multiple*. It seems very similar to some views of eating disorders, not saying it's the same thing, but mainly the anti-"you have to be in recovery" stance it takes. I have other thoughts on this, but I feel like talking about other things such as... Today I purged. In the past few weeks prior to this, I'd only done it once, a couple days after I decided to "get better". Right after I came home from the Orthopedic Surgon. I guess the past week I've been on shaky ground with the ED as it is, keep thinking of all these crazy diet plans I should go on, keep having to remind myself not to. Anyway, back to the docter dude. He seemed surprised when I told him my shoulder was still hurting, and was actually worse then when I had last seen him, thanks to physical therapy(grrr). I explained how the physical therapy just made it worse cause the more I use/exert force with my arm, the worse it gets. So he gave me a prescription of muscle relaxers(yay more pills!) and told me to go to physical therapy again. Again!! After those fuckers made it 10 times worse...granted, he's having me go to a different place. And he wrote down massage as part of my therapy, wooohooo! I'm a massage whore ;) But anyway, being there I felt so upset. I just started thinking about how I've been in daily pain cause of my shoulder for 7 months now, non-stop. It made me want to cry. I just can't take this shit anymore, I mean I seriously don't know what it's like to NOT be in some sort of physical pain on a daily basis. Yes I've whined about this before, I know this, but too bad for you. The last time I can remember not being in physical pain daily is... 10 years old. So thinking that as well as feeling like the appointment just went around in a big circle, with him telling me to go back to physical therapy which DIDN'T WORK, I've just had it with incompetent docters! I just realized though, let me say what happened earlier today. I went to my psychiatrist. I told him about my docter, we had a good laugh about my docter's whole "God will heal you" speech. I told him about my bad reaction to Serzone, and he was like whoa! I always get the very rare side effects. He said he didn't know why my doc started me on such a high amount, and especially didn't know why he put me on it if my bilibpin-whatever level was high. So he had my docters office fax my blood tests. Turns out my bilibuprin-whatever was normal, but my iron is low! What the fuck? My docter said the opposite! I'm so confused. So I'm cutting down the dosage and only taking it at night, and I'm going to a new docter in 2 weeks to get more blood tests, he wants to make sure my liver blood levels are ok since I am on this medication. I really hope that docter doesn't give me a fuckin speech about throwing up/not eating. I mean seriously, why does everyone in the medical profession feel the need to give me a lecture about it? I KNOW it's destructive, why else would I do it?? So back to me throwing up today. What does this mean? Recovery people/sites always say "It's ok to slip up, doesn't mean you have to relapse", but is that true? I'm feeling pulled towards it, I must follow! Today I saw that ana-looking girl in my class, she doesn't wear baggy clothes like me, she wears tight revealing stuff, I wish I had the guts to do that. Her skirt was low enough that her hipbones poked out visibly. We talked a bit, she's pretty outgoing, makes me feel bad for feeling competitive towards her. I couldn't help but think my goal would be to "beat her", to win the skinny race. I want to be thinner then her and then I can say ha, I'm thinner! My therapist suggested maybe she is envious of me too, wishing that she could get well(get fat) like me. I said no way. I mean seriously, who admires someone cause they gained weight?? I really want to lose weight again though, I crave it like mad. I'm a big blob now :( Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: