Date: Aug. 12, 2002
Time: 3:54 AM
My current mood is:
Psycho psycho psycho
God I was(am) so fucked up today again. I finally realized what's making me go friggen psycho, it's my new medication! Serzone, the work of the devil. Ok time to shut off George Carlin, he's wicked funny but he started on his anorexia/bulimia rant, I can't deal with that. Anyway, so today was worse then the other day. My eyes got huge again and it was hard to see, felt like I was tripping but on a bad trip, all dizzy, kept seeing things, everything seemed to loud, was freezing cold again, shaking so much I had to sit in the back cause I didn't want to freak out customers, kept feeling like randomly laughing psychoticly, was a sickly yellow/white color. And a new additional symptom was paranoia. Cute Eric saw me standing in an isle, he came over, I could tell he knew something was up. He ALWAYS know when something is wrong with me, he's just telepathic like that :) Anyway, so he came over and was like "Yo wassup, you down wit dat?" trying to be funny, doing some funky handshake with me. It freaked me out and pulled my hand away and backed away from him, staring wide eyed. He looked at me nervously, with a smile frozen on his face. I kept looking away, I couldn't deal with him looking at me...STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!! EVerytime I looked up though he was still staring at me, trying to figure out what was wrong. He started cracking jokes to cheer me up, I laughed but more out of having that weird laughing thing. Eventually he went to help customers. I went over to him after and said "I'm sorry". "For what?" he said, giving me that same "dude you're wicked fucked up!" look. I couldn't even put into words what I meant so just stared off, glacing at him wishing he would stop staring at me. So then I explained what was going on, and he joked about when he was on Prozac and it made him want to kill people. I felt better talking to him about it. Eventually it was to the point I couldn't even help customers, I felt mental and couldn't handle talking to people, so I sat out back and tried to wait for myself to stop shaking. Tina talked to me, trying to politely tell me that I looked horrible and I should go home. I think I was scaring everyone. People kept looking at me funny, but didn't want to say anything. Sheryl came over to me I was standing there shaking uncontrolably and whispered "what are you doing, what's going on?", in this knowing way as if I'd respond that I had just smoked crack or something, like she wanted to know what drugs I was on. She's an ex-crack addict by the way. Eventually I gave in and went home, but I feel horrible about it. I've called in sick too many times!! I do this way to much, it's awful. Calling in sick, comeing in late, getting sent home sick....I do this on a constant basis. I'm a horrible person. I hate being "that employee", you know? I've always been the responsible person there, and now....uffff. I think I've had it with psychiatric drugs, the Serzone was drug number 9. I feel like such a hopeless case, 9 medications none have worked. Except the Zoloft, but only for short periods of time. But besides this, I feel like recovering from my ED is driving me insane. Every emotion is intensified, depression is killing me, I'm just NOT dealing with this very well. Today I put my pants on and was horrified at how much they fit...normally this pair of pants I can pull off me without even unbuttoning. How embarrising. Right now I just feel like crying, I almost just did. My jaw is starting to act up again from clenching my teeth. All day I kept thinking about just killing myself, how that is the only option left. I mean granted, I was psycho from the meds, but still. What's left for me? What hope do I have? None. Why bother trying to get better with my eating, I mean seriously, why? I can't think of any particular reasons. People name me reasons why I should, but to me none of them are good enough reasons. So that I won't die? Who cares? We all die anyway, why does it matter from what or when? To be healthy? Umm...again, so what? Health is over rated. Cause guys like normal weight girls? Again, so what. I'm not doing this to impress anyone. Besides, I'll never find anyone anyway. Lets face it, I'm just a failure. Sure, I try to pretend like I can suceed like at school, but I won't. Eventually my life will have nothing left to it and I will end up killing myself cause there will be no reason left to live. I know I'm not going to do it now or anything, just saying that I'm quite aware that I've always definitly known that one day I will. Well I'm tired even though I just woke up a couple hours ago, need to go back to bed. I wonder if I'm working tomorrow? I hope not.
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