Date: Aug. 03, 2002 Time: 1:25 AM My current mood is: Stopping this shit, or at least trying to Today I was thinking.... I think I will go back to living my life. No more throwing up, starving myself, obsessing about my weight and food. For the past week or so I've been actually keeping down a sizable amount of food, sure I've still been throwing up but definitly keeping down more then usual. I just don't see the point anymore. I guess that's the thing, right now it doesn't have a point. I've grown weary of hiding and keeping so many secrets, the ones you are required to keep when you have an ED. I just don't feel like it anymore. It occured to me that if I stop, I will have SO much time on my hands, my mind will be so empty, it's almost like I don't know what I will do with myself. People don't realize how much you have to devote yourself to haveing an eating disorder, it's such a large part of your mind. All day whenever I saw myself in the mirror I'd think "I look too thin", which is odd. I feel kind of embarrised nowdays, ashamed of my weight, ashamed of the fact that when I wear tight clothes people look at me disgustedly and say I am too thin. I'm tired of being little and weak, tired all the time, dark undereye circles that make me look like a herion addict, ghostly pale, dizzy, and all the other wonderful side effects that occur. And I know this sounds stupid, but I hate that I have de-sexualized myself. Sure, that's kind of what I wanted, but it feels lonely in a way, thinking I might like some guy, and he probably wouldn't like me back because I just look sickly. And I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking that. I feel like an idiot for saying this though, cause I'm not even really that thin or anything, there are tons of people that are much thinner, I am about 15% underweight(BMI 17.5) or maybe slightly above, not quite sure, haven't weighed myself much lately. But you know what....who cares? Who cares if I'm thin? Why is it such a big deal? Why put so much effort into something so meaningless? I mean obviously I know EDs are not really about weight/being thin, that is just a mask for the underlying problems, but still, what's so bad about being normal weight? When my manager gets back from vacation on Sunday, I'm going to request Wednesdays nights off, so I can start going to those eating disorder group meetings. I just want to feel normal about my body, and about myself, I doubt that will ever happen though. Even before I started my funky eating habits, back when I ate normal I still refused to let guys touch my stomach, when they did I felt that awful shame so many(too many) people feel there. My refusal to accept myself as having a good body or being attractive will always stay with me. But there is a difference between being normal weight and thinking you're fat, as you go along and eat your normal meals, and weighing in the 90's, throwing up praticly everything you eat, killing yourself with starvation and malnutrition. I for one, am not entirely against the idea of killing myself. But perhaps I should at least give life a fair shot first, see what(if anything) I can accomplish/do/experience before I throw it all away in persuit of the ever seductive art of destroying myself. Which is a hard thing, as I have always been a self destructive person. It's hard to keep yourself at bay, or at least certain parts of yourself, because you know you have the capacity to completly obliterate yourself if you're not careful. I don't even want to mention this to Katie or Julie, for fear they make think they're little intervention thingy actually worked. This has absolutly nothing to do with that. You can not force someone to get well. You can plead with someone all you want, but in the end, the person has to be ready for it. That is one thing about recovery/getting better that people don't understand, you can't just talk someone into it. It has to come from within, when you've reached a place inside yourself where you say "Ok, I'm ready to stop this now". I'm not even saying I'm through with this forever, I know myself better then that. For all I know, I could go throw up 5 times tomorrow and eat nothing inbetween. But I doubt I will. If you are a self destructive person by nature, I don't know if there is such thing as saying "never again", because it's pure instinct, basicly it can be kept at bay. It's like with my cutting. On praticly a daily basis, I have to remind myself NOT to cut, I have to forcfully talk myself out of it. It has been like this for a few years now, since I decided to stop. Once in awhile I will cut myself, but it is few and far between. So I don't know, I guess it's like that with my eating too. I don't know whether or not I'll be able to totally stop forever and be totally fine, it will most likely be the same struggle as with the cutting, the daily reminders. If I go back to eating normal....I don't know, maybe I'm just being pessimistic, maybe this isn't a good way of looking at it, but I don't think it will last, or at least not with some drops back into my ED. I look at this as a realistic view, because this is the way things are, it's reality. I think the hardest part of kicking this type of addiction, is that you can't just push it out of your life like an alcoholic can. With alcoholism, they just say to don't ever drink again. But what if, as a recovering alcoholic, you were forced to still drink in your daily life? That's how it is with EDs, cause food is part of your life, you can't escape it or block it out. You can't just "give up the needle", "stay away from it", it's there, and I think that's what makes it one of the hardest addictions to kick. Especially when all around you, women talk about dieting, about losing a few pounds, about "giving in" or "cheating" by having dessert. I could go on more about what I'm thinking, but this entry is already long enough. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: