Date: Aug. 01, 2002 Time: 4:56 AM My current mood is: Delusional, Hysterical, Paranoid I've been trying and trying to sleep, but I just can't(and now drinking diet coke, lots of caffine, smart move), my mind is just racing and I've been working myself up into a minor hysteria. I'm completely freaking out behond belief about my work scheduale! Ok, see I made a little list of docters I need to call(yes I have a million I need to see), and I realized that I don't know how I'm going to go about making appointments for them! You see, I still don't even know when I'm working next week, they don't put up next weeks scheduale till at LEAST Thursday, sometimes not till Saturday! So I can literally come to work on Saturday not knowing if I'm working the next day or not till I see the scheduale. Yet, the manager says if you want a day off you need to tell him 2 weeks in advance! The docters I need to call will most likely all want appointments next week though, and I'm freaking out cause what if I call my work tomorrow and the scheduale still isn't up?? I need to go to these docters, I've been putting it off long enough now. I'm seriously praticly having a panic attack over this, I even had to talk myself out of cutting myself, telling myself that what would happen when these docters see the cuts? Not a good idea. If I could write down all the things lately that I have been having this panicky/overly dramatic reaction to, I would take like 10 entries. I seriously FREAK OUT over everything now, I hate it. At least half of it being paranoia-driven(like I talked about in my last entry). I mean seriously, I even got all upset about the store meeting on Sunday, I was actually convinced they were having the meeting to tell me what a bad worker I am and to humiliate me! That's kinda self involved, to think a meeting would be devoted to me, I mean seriously. It's also kind of like...umm..delusional that I would seriously think that. Pretty soon I'm going to become a bag lady muttering incoherently to walls! I even was thinking they purposly have been putting me on register more cause they don't want me taking care of the animals, cause they think I'm bad at it, they're conspiring against me!!!! But then I have to realize no, they haven't even been PUTTING me on register, it's just that they recently tought me how to use it, so now I can cover people when they go on break. This is all really upsetting to me, I'm begining to feel the familier "my life is falling apart at the seems and so is my mind" feeling. I mean I skipped class again this week cause I was too scared to go, please tell me why going to class once a week and working 25 hours a week is too much for me to handle?? Cause it feels like it is, and I feel like a complete moron for saying that. Not because I'm too tired or anything, just mentally I am fucking GONE. And for the most anticipated part of my updates: Ass News. Ha, I need to seriously make a seperate diary just for updates on my ass/shit, cause lately I've been talking about it waaaaaaay too much, lol! Well, I decided despite myself to just go have the goddamn colonoscopy already, I will call tomorrow to make the appt. I decided this because sure, I haven't bleed since those icky 2 days of fun, but things still aren't normal. And when I say normal, that means in context of my eating habits, which make my...umm...bathroom habits already abnormal. The problem is, my intestines have said "Fuck you, I'm on strike", meaning I like can't go to the bathroom, I haven't gone in about a week. How joyous. The thing is, I've even eaten lots and not purged, yet still nothing! So ya, calling the doc tomorrow. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: