Date: Jul. 28, 2002 Time: 3:13 AM My current mood is: Will I ever get out of this mess? Tonight we celebrated Katie's birthday by going out clubbing. Katie, Julie and I went first to the small lame club in my town. That club is like....I don't know, lets put it this way, while we were sitting there drinking I started randomly laughing, as Julie looked at me like "umm???" I explained "Oh, do you ever just think about this place and just start laughing?". After getting drinks there we went to go hang out with Julie's brother and his friends at a *real* club. Katie and I joked about how you know those "Girls Gone Wild" videos, we said we would make "White Guys Can't Dance" videos, cause oh my GOD, I've never seen a bigger bunch of pathetic white guys failing miserably at dancing in my life!! We were laughing all night, it was hysterical. Of course *we* danced great(at least we thought so), we danced on this high part of the stage cause we are just so damn hot, lol. While this was all going on, I had other things on my mind. I just smiled and laughed at what everyone said, pretending that I wasn't really thinking about something else, namely my weight and eating(gee what else?). Not the usual though.... I was actually thinking, what if I just started eating normal again? What if I didn't throw up what I eat? I know to some this may not seem that significant, but to me it's like... a whole new perspective, even though I've done it before obviously, it just by now seems foreign. The thing is, I actually felt like I wanted to eat normal, and wanted to be normal weight. I thought to myself how I'm so sick of being the sickly looking one, the ugly one. I used to get guys all the time, and of course I still thought I was ugly and fat, but for some unknown reason guys thought I was hot. Now... now I don't really get looked at. It's not like I'm saying "oh I need a man so I'm going to change myself", cause that's lame. It's just sort of me thinking about how by losing weight, most people assume losing weight=sexy, but it's not true. People don't think I'm sexy anymore. I can't wear tight sexy clothes, or basicly anything moderatly showy or feminine, if I do then friends/family freak out at me and make comments. I'm sick of wearing baggy clothes all the time! Seriously. I went clubbing and I'm wearing fucking 2 layers of shirts and baggy pants...oh gee how sexy. Like for example, the other day I decided to be "daring" and wear a fitted shirt when going over Hilary and Mike's. Mike says to me: "My god, you're TOO SKINNY, you're like chicken bones!! Do you EAT??", and actually waited for me to answer. He said even more then that really, but I forget what exactly, basicly he said it in a disgusted type of way. That happens any time I wear something remotly form fitting....how embarrising! I just hate when people make comments on my body, it makes my skin crawl. It's unfair that other girls can wear body fitting clothes or tight/revealing clothes and people like it, yet the second I do people freak out at me and basicly say I look gross. Gee, thanks a lot. So anyway, back to what I was saying, I was thinking about how you know, why can't I be sexy too?? Why can't I wear revealing clothes, and when I say revealing I'm not talking like bra-shirts, just something form fitting. It can feel pretty bad knowing everyone thinks you are ugly. Of course, when I look in the mirror I think I look normal weight, I seriously don't think I look underweight at all. It scared me today infact, when I thought about it, the fact that I think I look normal. It made me think holy shit, am I seriously delusional? I mean I always think "ya, whatever, they only think I'm thin cause I weigh less then them, I'm not *actually* too thin", but today I realized that my BMI is in the 17's and I think I look completely and utterly normal weight, and not normal thin, but a normal weight that is bordering overweight. And the realization that I'm actually hallucinating freaked me out! I mean that's kinda fucked, you know? So I dunno. I thought hey, I should just eat normal, dress more sexy, actually DO something with my hair, basicly start of a beautification project with myself. But I don't know. Even if I did that, started eating normal or whatever, I don't think this would be over, you don't just "get over" eating disorders. I've *gotten better* but then relapsed I think about 3 or more times before. Maybe it's just me being pessimistic but I feel like I have a dark cloud overhead, and that the worst has yet to come. One reason I may be feeling this way, is my dad. The other day he showed me the pictures of him and his bitch girlfriend Donna on the trip they went on. He also showed me 2 professional pictures they got done, and said "One is for my room, and the other is to bring to work". Now, it's knowledge through the grapevine that my dad has been planning on breaking up with her, and was going to do so after they took the trip. But now putting her picture at his work? That's not what you do when you break up with someone. This makes me uneasy. The mear thought of them getting married sends huge signals of "Lose weight NOW!!! YOU HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU ARE FAT!!!!!", of an alarming degree. I don't choose to think this, it's not like I'm thinking "if they get married I'll lose wieght to get even!", it's just this involuntary banging in my head, and I seriously think if they get married I'm going to be in big trouble health-wise. So I don't know, I guess I'll have to wait and see. 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