Date: Jul. 26, 2002
Time: 10:43 PM
My current mood is:
I'm a fucking loser
I'm such a fucking idiot. Tomorrow is supposed to be the day that me, my sister and 2 of my dad's friends Linda and Nancy all have a girls day out thing. We planned it like a month ago. My dad reminded me about it yesterday, I had totally forgotten about it, and forgot to ask for that day off. I'm so fucking stupid, I ruin everything. I don't even know what to say, when I tell my sister she'll probably look at me in disgust and say something to the affect of "You KNEW about this in advance, we shouldn't have to remind you of things" and shake her head. My stupid fucking memory problem. Why did I have to be born retarded? Why do I need to be reminded of things that no one else does? They're going to be dissapointed in me, disgusted at my selfishness. I'm so selfish, I always ruin everything. They should have not even invited me in the first place, all I am is a nuisence. I can't stand myself, truely I can't. Part of me almost wants to say, as if I am 2 seperate people "Ya, I know, I completely agree she is so useless, I can't stand her". I'm a fucking moron and a loser. Someone commented awhile ago in my guestbook that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. It made me feel bad, not because it was a mean thing to say but because I felt horror at the fact that in here it may come across that I feel sorry for myself, or that indeed I really DO feel sorry for myself. Because I don't. And I don't want it to come across as that. To think that I may have felt sorry for myself...god I'm so fucking pathetic. I don't feel sorry, I deserve any type of pain and suffering I get. The only thing I feel sorry for is that I probably don't get the amount of pain I deserve. That is about the only thing I deserve, torture, pain, suffering....behond that, I deserve NOTHING. I despise myself, feel nothing but contempt. I'm sorry that I ever came across as feeling sorry for myself, or if I actually DID accidently feel sorry for myself, that problem must be rectified immediatly, as I deserve absolutly no pity or sympathy, especially from myself. Any type of physical ailment I aquire, well the only thing bad would be that if it's not bad enough. I don't even know why I went to the docters in the first place over that bleeding thing, or even why I was considering that colonoscopy....isn't the whole point of me throwing up to hurt myself?? To cause myself suffering? If I bleed, GOOD, that means it's working. If I die, even better. But hopefully not too soon, not because I don't want to die you see, but because I deserve a long slow death. This is why it's good that I live, so I can cause myself more suffering, once you die that's it. I need to be slowely tortured, that is the only appropriate course of action for me. I want to self injure right now, the only reason I stopped is so people would stop harassing me about it, not because I actually don't want to hurt myself. I just don't want to make other people uncomfortable or be a burden. Cause that's all I am, a burden, a selfish stupid moronic burden. If I was someone looking at me I would beat the shit out of me, just cause I deserve it. I feel tired now from typing all of the shit that has been running through my head for the past couple hours. I think I may even eat and NOT puke, just to make myself upset and hate myself more.
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