Date: Jul. 23, 2002 Time: 9:56 PM My current mood is: The skinny girl in my class, another docters appt. *I just realized something earlier, I don't think everyone can see the font for my links. I completely forgot that you have to have the font on your computer to be able to see it too....does anyone NOT see the Merced font(wavy/sort of cursive looking), is it coming out as "normal" looking font???* Brrrrrrr I'm freezing right now. I just got out of my HTML class. It's more interesting now because we're actually doing coding and making fake pages. I felt bad cause some of the people were having a hard time, I helped the 2 people sitting next to me. Aaah damnit my fingers are going numb again. During one of the breaks I looked over at one of the girls in my class, and she is so thin!! It totally triggered me, got me thinking how I HAVE to lose weight by the next class. I've gained weight by the way. Not sure how much but I think I'm 100lbs right now, uffff. I kept staring at her legs wishing mine looked like that, there were like toothpicks! Then at the end of class, the girl that I was helping that was sitting next to me took out a red beaded bracelet and put it on...hmmmm....if you know what that means then you know what I'm saying. But she was also wearing a red shirt, so maybe she just wore it to match? I kept looking at it, wanting to say to her that I liked her bracelet but I was too scared to(again, you know why). Next class I'm going to wear mine, see if either girl notices. Today I did a binge/purge at a buffet for the first time! Yay! I was scared at first, I felt weird going to a buffet by myself. Then I went in and saw there was praticly no one there and I was like oh man, this will be really obvious, I figured it would be easier if it was packed. But I was curious so I went anyway. The food was kinda crappy, hence the place being empty, but that's ok I still enjoyed it. Normally I just binge on the stupid crap at home, or if I'm feeling bold I'll go buy stuff at the store and hide it in my room. You know it's too bad there aren't any decent buffets around here. The only 2 that I've been to now(one I went to a long time ago, wasn't a b/p) have been sucky. And I don't know of any others, unlike kessa who's got it made! She's the one that inspired me to want to check out buffets :) I went to the colonoscopy dude today, just to meet with him not to actually get it done yet. He was like 90 years old, and I cringed at the thought of him going anywhere near my butt. He said that the only way to find out why I was bleeding is to have the colonoscopy. Ew. I really don't want to have it. He said it would only take 15 minutes and I would be asleep. I'm not bleeding anymore so....I don't know, I don't really feel like I should bother. He looked in my file and said "It says you have bulimia", I immediatly froze, quietly said yes, and proceeded to dig my nails into my arm, the pain helped me stay focused. Does that count as Self Injury by the way? Cause I've been doing that lately. My nails aren't long and I don't break the skin, I'm unsure if I'm breaking my "I'm not cutting anymore" rule. That's what I hate about going to docters though, they all have the "So you have an eating disorder?" talk, and it's very embarrising. Why can't they just see it in the chart and not say anything? Looks like I'm coming out of my deep depression that hit really hard last week. I know this because I can actually make myself leave the house now. Now I can go back to my normal mild/moderate depression, woohoo! Fun fun. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: