Date: Jul. 19, 2002 Time: 5:47 PM My current mood is: Today sucks and I want to hug Daniel Johns. Origionally written at 9:17am yet Diaryland decided to fuck up: I don't really have anything to say, except I feel like poo. I've been binging and NOT purging the past 2-3 days and it's slowely eating away at me. Yesterday I didn't have work, so I was psyched to go buy a moniter, keyboard, and possibly speakers for my new computer, also I wanted to go clothes shopping and buy a wife-beater shirt. I didn't get any of that done though, as I felt like.... I dont know, inside it felt like someone was slowely killing me, not physical pain but emotional/mental. I ended up staying home and sleeping/doing nothing. It sucked cause I wanted to go do that stuff, but I just couldn't. I can't really even describe what I was/am feeling inside, aside from feeling my strong desire to cut. I notice a lot that when I can't really describe what I'm feeling, that's when I want to cut the most. Perhaps because the desire to cut myself overshadows my emotions? Lately been wanting to SI often, I'd say ever since the begining of last week up until now I get the urge more then once a day, sometimes(like yesterday) it's a feeling I feel for hours, almost the whole day. I think my eating all this food is making me feel like this, and creating this awful frustrated/depressed feeling inside. I constantly have to fight the urge to start clawing at myself over and over, especially if I have an itch, I'll start to scratch it then get the urge to keep doing it harder and harder till I see blood. Not sure if this entry is really making sense, I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts. Last night it rained, infact it downpoured. As I left Hilary and Mike's(we saw 8 Legged Freaks, funny! I love lame movies), walking to my car as the rain came down I thought of Bud. Yes, my ex Bud. I haven't mentioned him in here in awhile. That's probably cause there is nothing to say. The rain reminded me of him, you see 80% of the times that we hung out it was raining. I used to joke that it was a bad omen, a sign we wouldn't last. It reminded me most of the second time we hung out, just me and him all day, asking each other questions as we walked through Boston. I remember how it started down pouring SO much, everyone ran about trying to find shelter, I just laughed and danced around in the rain and made Bud dance too. That day was so....so perfect. I looked back in my diary to see if I had written about it, unfortunatly I guess that week my computer was being fixed...and I just realized that the day I am talking about in this paragraph happened a year ago in 2 weeks, something like that. How odd I didn't even connect thinking about Bud suddenly with this, I totally forgot it's right about the time last year that we met. Why am I even talking about him anyway, he's a loser. If I could give anyone in the world a hug right now, it would be Daniel Johns from the band Silverchair. Earlier I downloaded some videos from them, and seeing how thin he is makes me feel so sad for him that he had(has?) anorexia. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: