Date: Jul. 11, 2002 Time: 8:33 PM My current mood is: Still alive "you wouldn't have these problems of shitting blood if you stopped binging and purging. it's not healthy and not normal. there are much better ways of losing weight. you have no right to "freak out" about physical problems if you're not taking care of yourself. go get help, you can be helped" I just wanted to address this guestbook entry that was left for me(not surprisingly by someone not wanting to sign their name). No, I'm not mad and wanted to say something to that person, more wanted to write about it because I'm sure many people have this opinion. Yes, I completely agree I would not be having these problems if I didn't throw up in the first place. It's hard, since this happened from me actually keeping down a meal, but yes it is from my retarded eating habits. As for there being better ways to lose weight... I'm not really doing this to lose weight. I mean sure, if I binged and never purged, I would definitly gain weight, which I don't want. I completely agree this is NOT a good/healthy way to lose weight. I know this person is implying that exercise and eating healthy is a better way for me to lose weight, but to tell you the truth it's not. I'm already underweight, so at this point to keep at a low weight/lose more, I kind of have to use unhealthy methods. Please keep in mind though, this is NOT about wanting to look like some model, or to get guys. It has to do with my insationable need for self destruction, and inability to deal with things. Unlike what many professionals say about "people like me", my eating disorder did not start with a diet. It started when something very hard in my life happened, and I didn't know how to handle it. Since then, that's pretty much what it's been about, dealing(actually NOT dealing) with difficult things in my life. Before this the way I "dealt" with things was by cutting myself. I guess I've just never really been able to just deal with things head on. As for me not having a right to freak out, I think anyone would at least freak out a little if they saw blood coming out of them. No, I don't have the right to say "I have no clue why this is happening", but I haven't said that. I mean medically I don't really know why, but I know what the cause is from. The concept of getting help, like you said I should... is a hard one for me. I HATE getting help of any kind. Always have. I could go on about the reasons why, but eh, I don't feel like it right now. You might think "well just stop, it's that simple", but it's not that simple, ask anyone who has an ED. That's why many people die from it, not because they don't know they can die, they do know, they just can't stop. Ok so enough preaching from me. Today I woke up at 5pm, lots of sleep for me! I would have slept longer too, I got woken up by the phone. I went to the bathroom, still some blood, but I'm thinking maybe it's left over from yesterday?(denial denial denial) So anyway, I had made up my mind not to eat for a few days, to help clear my system and be easier on my body. But then I got a call from my dad's friend Linda, asking when I was coming over to eat...I had forgotten me and my sister were going over there to eat. So I went, upset but didn't know what to say, I hadn't been over there in awhile and I said I would come over. I ate, tried to puke, but right as I closed the bathroom door suddenly everyone is talking right outside it, which made me nervous and I couldn't throw up. So I just flushed the toilet and came out, after a little while I said I had to get back home. She gave me some moon-pies to take home...and I just had to binge. Stupid me. Then I threw it up of course, why did I do that?? Damn it. Oh well, nothing bad happened, I live another day. Good thing or bad thing, I don't know, take your pick. Last night before I fell asleep I tossed and turned, thinking of how I just want to die, why be alive? I have nothing. I am nothing. So this is my life today, I really should go food shopping my house is totally empty of food. I have no energy though, I want to just lie down and watch tv. I want to binge/purge again, but I know I shouldn't. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: