Date: Jul. 09, 2002 Time: 2:03 AM My current mood is: They had an intervention for me. I was ambushed. I just had my very first intervention, like I'm an alcoholic or something. Julie and Katie came over. They sat down on the couch, me on the floor, and then it started. I thought we were just going to be hanging out, they had something else in mind. "We wanted to talk to you, we're worried about your health" Katie started off with. From there...I immediatly put up my iron wall of defense, impenitratable to all who try to reach me. They talked and talked, my only way of keeping sane and to keep from any sort of emotion slipping out of my stone face was to keep digging my nails into my hand as hard as possible, the physical pain kept me strong and cold. It was as if I was watching tv, I was watching them talk at me, thinking "Ah, that's a good thing to say to someone, but oh I don't know about that one" I mean they weren't talking about ME were they? Here is a list of things that were said to me: hardcore treatment hospital I don't know where you'll be in a month you're a wonderful person I don't know where we'd be without you in our lives intensive treatment therapy isn't working you must weigh in the 80's don't close yourself to us starving yourself binging and purging are you still throwing up? we don't want you to die very concerned about your health you don't look well you're behond thin those baggy clothes the other day I could see your SPINE and your ribs sticking out we're worried you're at rock bottom you're miserable, you're never happy do you WANT to get better?? be like this for the rest of your life brittle bones, stroke, heart attack have you lost more weight? tell us how you feel, say something you've told me as little as 200 calories a day or days without food don't feel ashamed you're sick you have anorexia you have an eating disorder you need help it's a disease, when people have a disease they go to the docter to get better you're slipping away please say something, yell at me, say I'm a bitch, anything.. you don't deserve this internal pain if you don't get help I'm afraid you'll die from it 20% of anorexics die The list could go on and on, but it's hard to pick out specifics, it all seemed to whirl together. Two hours, that's how long it lasted. I kept thinking "But I'm not that thin! I'm not that bad! I don't really have an eating disorder...this is just...I'm just joking, it's all just fake, it's just a hobby, hardcore treatment? Hospitals? I'm not sick, I just don't want to eat, I'M FINE. I'm not really sick, you just think I am but I'm not, you're ALL OVERREACTING!" That's pretty much what went though my mind the whole time. I didn't say anything though, infact I barely said 5 words the whole time. They kept asking me to say something, but I just sat and stared at the ground or at my Uromastyx lizard. I was fascinated at how odd he was acting. Normally at that time he is sleeping. But tonight, it seemed as soon as they started this "intervention", he suddenly got very active, and in a craze dug all over his cage, sand flying everywhere. I could relate to him, trying to get away franticly, yet nowhere to go. He never digs like that. God, they even went on the internet and looked up Eating Disorder clinics in the area. They think I'm going to die. I'm almost disappointed, because I thought I've been doing my "I'm Fine" makeup pretty well....the makeup I wear to look healthy, you know? I thought it worked wonders, yet still everyone says I look awful. Geez, good thing I wear it, cause without it..I look 10 times worse. One thing that makes me mad, is that Julie said I look like my weight is in the 80's, yet I just weighed myself and it says 100lbs!!!! WHAT THE FUCK? Ok, I know focusing on my weight once again is distracting from what's at hand(them confronting me about it), but I just have to bitch about this...why won't my stomach not be horribly disgustingly bloated for once?? I know logically I'm not 100lbs. But why does it say that then? Ufff, I could go on and on about this, I never used to get bloated like this before, I don't know why I do now. So back to the subject, the question is how do I feel about all this? I don't know. Feel? What's that? I still feel like my wall is up. It hasn't been up like that since high school. When I used to get almost catatonic at times, not able to speak, just stare. At one point during the conversation I really DID want to answer back, I wanted to say things, but I couldn't. My silence suffocated me once again, my iron mask forbidding any type of visible emotion. How could they do that to me? Ambush me like that? Attack me with their concern? A lot of what they said was true. But I couldn't say anything back. Just sit and stare. Comatose. I still feel like lead inside. I told them I was going to have a party on Friday, but how can I now? How can I ever face them again? They asked "Are you going to avoid our phone calls? Do you hate us?" A small no made it through my lips, but that's all. "You don't have to live in misery" Katie said, "I know what it's like, I've been there, I still struggle with it". I don't have to live in misery? Do you honestly think with out starving/purging I'd be happy? I wanted to scream "YES, I DO have to live in misery! Even if I stop this, I will STILL live in misery!!!!". They think my ED causes this, when infact my ED is only a symptom. It's like saying to someone with pneumonia "here's a box of tissues so your nose won't run anymore" and thinking now they are all better. You're taking care of a symptom, not the problem. The problem is the nameless faceless thing that eats away at my insides, that poisens my brain. The cutting, starving, purging...it's just side effects. They made it out to seem so...I don't know...like I'm in so deep with the eating disorder, if they only realized that it's not the problem, I mean ya I guess it's a problem but it's only a symptom of the real problem. Nobody seems to fucking understand that. Sure, I could stop doing this, I could go to treatment, get dipped in holy water and come out new and reborn, "Recovered" the papers would say. But what next? I wasn't fine before I started starving myself, why do they think I will be fine after it? What will my next addiction be if I stopped? Because once I stopped cutting, I started starving. Once I start eating, I start puking. Name the list of compulsive and impulsive behaviors, I've been there done that. What's next? What would be my new fix? It's not even a concious thing, it just happens and I don't even realize it. Ok I think I'm going to end this entry, it's getting way too fucking long. I just don't know. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: