Date: Jul. 09, 2002 Time: 7:00 AM My current mood is: 2nd entry(still bitching about it) Everything seems stiff and cold, but then I realize it's just me inside. Inside I feel like winter, a blanket of snow covering any sort of reaction, ice freezing any emotion that might have bloomed. I keep thinking I should be upset or mad, but I'm just...here. Blank. "Don't shut down, please don't shut down" Katie said, do I shut down? It's odd when people describe me to myself, it's always so odd. Sometimes I think I am invincible in my powers of deception, my "everything's fine" mask I wear. For some reason I'm always shocked when sometimes people can see through that. It's 6:30am, I haven't bothered to go to sleep, I just assumed there would be no point in trying. How could I sleep after what happened. I know someone reading this would be thinking "Well duh, they just said what was true". Yes I know that, but.... as much as I am fairly open in this diary with my "issues", I'm VERY not in real life. Or if I am, it's only with certain people about certain things. I don't know how to handle this, I work SO much better with just under the surface issues, when people know but just don't say... it's ok if you know, as long as you don't tell me you know, but we can both know that you know, and both know that I know that you know. But my god, don't ever EVER actually say that you know. Be like my dad and sister, they know but don't say anything. Why did you have to say it? Speak it? Embaris me? I'm "sick" they say. Fuck you. But I wish I had some anger to back those 2 words up though, and I don't. Or I do, but I just can't seem to feel it. "How do you feel? What are you thinking?" was asked. I didn't answer. They thought I was silent out of anger, but it was because I truely didn't know how to answer that. Feel? How do I do that? Thinking? My thoughts are swirling together I can't think straight. I was going to cut myself earlier but fortunatly I wrote in here(the entry before this) and as usual it helped stop the feeling. The question is, what now? I feel like I've just had a one night stand, and not sure how to react to the person the next day. Ignore them? Hug them? Be polite yet distant? Should I call them? Should I wait for them to call me? Should I talk about it or just pretend the whole thing never happened? All this and I didn't even get to actually have sex. Ok I'm really strange, ignore me. Speaking of which, they were right about that. How I don't want anyone's concern, I always focus on helping everyone else but never talk about any problems I'm having. It's true, how did they know that? I think that's partly why I feel so...freaked out about what happened. I simply can NOT deal with people being concerned about me, and for them to have this whole thing out with me, talking only about me and my problems...I just couldn't deal. I could only sit and stare, and let them talk. It made it safer that way, to have them talk about how they were feeling and me sit and listen, at least there was some remnence of familiarity to the situation. I have yet to go look at what is written on that piece of paper they left me, the one with the eating disorder clinics and numbers. It's hard cause I know they care a lot about me, god knows why. But I just don't know how they thought I would react. What did they think I would do? Tell them they saved me? That I am done with dieting and I'm all better now? That's partly what bothered me, is that I think they expected me to say "Oh thank you so much, I will get help I want to get better!!" but I didn't. And sure, sometimes I want to get better, but when they said those things all I could think of was how much tighter I wanted to hold on to it, don't take it away from me, I LIKE THIS! And maybe I'm just bullshitting myself. Maybe I couldn't deal with them thinking I'm seriously going to die. If I like it and it's fun, it means I wouldn't die, right? But no, to anyone reading this it's not fun. And I don't know how to react to them saying "I don't know where you'll be in a month" while they look away on the verge of tears. What do you mean by that??? Where I'll be?? Are they giving me one month to live? What the fuck? It's odd when your friends are basicly giving you a death date. All I have to say is....I'M NOT THIN!!! I mean really, I'm NOT! I don't understand why people freak out. I mean seriously, my BMI is in the 17's, that's not emanciated, it's not like...I mean I've heard of people's BMI's being 9!! Sure, they were in the hospital at that point, but hey. I just don't get it. I'm not that underweight. They say they can see my collar bone sticking out a lot, like that's a bad thing. Where's the love, I happen to like collar bones ok? You think this is thin? I could tons of weight if I wanted to, don't you realize that? I choose to maintain in the mid-90's. Do they really think this is as thin as I can get? Whatever, it's now 7am, I need to get some sleep, my HTML class starts today, whoopty frickin doo. Gee, how do I make the font bold? *rolls eyes* Oh well, at least I won't really have to do much work in that class. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: