Date: Jun. 27, 2002
Time: 6:47 PM
My current mood is:
Get better? Or not?
Oh my stomach is not in a pleasant place right now. Yet again I'm listening to Gary Jules, the song "Mad World", I need to download more by him. Back to my stomach though.....arrrrrpppphhhh! The reason it's being funky is cause I ate about 1,000 calories yesterday to help give me some energy, and then today...I don't know...something odd happened. Maybe it was from the increase in food, but suddenly I'm thinking why am I doing this? Trying to lose weight, I mean it's stupid. There is no point. I've been thinking about it all day long, I just don't feel like it anymore. Maybe this will only last a day, maybe I will actually try eating normal again. It just seems really silly all of a sudden. I can't think of any factual reasons why I would not eat or make myself throw up, it accomplishes nothing! I mean sure, I can lose weight doing it...but so what? I mean really, why care about that? That's such a shallow thing to aim for. I mean I'm not saying someone with an eating disorder is shallow, definitly not. But to make "Being Thin" the goal in life...that's kind of lame. Who am I doing it for, you know? But then I think about if I was normal weight again...I hate being normal weight, I look GROSS! Yet, what do I look like now? Awesome? No, I don't. When I was normal weight if I didn't wear makeup it was no biggy. Now I HAVE to wear makeup, specifically to hide my poor health, and I HAVE to wear baggy clothes so people won't notice/comment. I was talking to recentmoon the other day, and she said something that struck me. She said something to the affect of that she was impressed, because I had achieved the goal of becoming invisible. It's true. Many people with ED's say they want to dissappear....I think I have. Nobody really notices me/compliments me/hits on me anymore. I feel sort of like the "ugly friend" now. I'm not even saying I want guys to hit on me, it's just an odd thing, cause people always think they'll be more attractive when they lose weight, people thought I looked better when I was normal weight! It's so confusing, to everyone else the more I lose the more unattractive I look, yet in my head thinness is perfection. So anyway, I've been eating a lot all day since I'm in a "recovery mode". Though a little while ago, I came to the sudden realization that while yes, I have been eating a lot more then usual today, every single thing I've eaten is diet food. What I ate today:
eggs(made in zero cal. butter)
2 pieces of light toast(also zero cal butter)
a cup of cereal
2 Slimfast fudgicals
a banana
a Waist Watchers frozen dinner(not all of it)
some baby carrots dipped in dressing
a bowl of salad with tuna on it(half regular dressing, half Waist Watchers dressing)
5 Oreos
Damn! I can't even tell if that's too much, just right, or not enough. To me it seems like mountins of food. I didn't purge any of it. Ufff! I feel like I need to ask someone if I'm bad because of this. I often feel the need to ask people if it's ok for me to eat. I don't know. We'll see how this goes.
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