Date: Jun. 26, 2002 Time: 1:53 AM My current mood is: On being fake and not stereotyping people. Munching on carrots and dip, I am once again reminded of the pain generating from the gums in my mouth. Not all of it, just mainly this one spot. I'm hoping it will go away, I really truely do NOT want to go to the dentist. I don't want him to ask the dreaded question. And I don't want to know if the enamel on my teeth is started to wear away. I want him to just do what he has to do, no questions asked, and that's it. Yet life is never that simple, people take perverse pleasure in forcing you to admit the obvious, to ask the question they already know the answer to. They just want YOU to say it. Hopefully the pain will go away. Hopefully it's not infected, or some other thing. I just came back from Hilary and Mike's, I went there with Katie. Some random guy also showed up, he was kind of annoying. We watched American Psycho 2, and Donnie Darko. Can I just say, I love James Duval, he's one of my favorite actors, even though it was just a small part(he played Frank the guy in the bunny suit). You know, one thing that has always annoyed me, is when people not just talk through a movie, but have entire conversations so that the movie itself becomes like elevator music. If I'm going to watch a movie, I want to actually watch it. Not just talk to everyone while in the backround the movie plays. Why even bother renting it then? Nobody understands this concept. Perhaps my increased solitude has shortened my ability to deal with such things. My being a hermit has also made me totally realize just how fake I feel sometimes. Hanging out with everyone tonight, after not hanging out much at all with anyone recently, made me blatently obvious to the amount of time I spend with a fake smile, as well as feigned interest. I always pretend. Mostly because I know if I didn't, suddenly everyone would ask what's wrong. And I HATE that, I hate people asking me what's wrong, because it's not supposed to be that way. I'm the one that asks others how they feel, I'm the one that asks what's wrong, that tries to cheer people up, that says "Oh I know he was such a dick to you!" when my friends rant over their latest breakup. I suddenly realized today how different things are...how Katie keeps fuming to me over Brian dumping her, going over and over about what a dick he is and all that jazz. Not that I particularily mind it per say, it just made me realize that whenever I break up/get broken up with I don't ever talk about it. Sure, I'll tell my friends what happened. I don't say I am hurt. I don't tell them how angry and affected I am, and weeks later when I am still hurt and thinking about it, I especially don't mention it, unless it's to make a joke about it. Pretend everything's fine and laugh. It makes me wonder whether people think I actually even have feelings? I guess I figure no one wants to hear me whine. Just odd, to see someone so openly angry and hurting, something I can never do. I can state the facts, sure that's easy. Ah but I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to what I was saying about being fake. It's not that I'm actually fake....it's just that I know if I was the way I really am, no one would want to hear it. It might make people uncomfortable. If I never smiled, even when people were talking and laughing with me...if I just sat there and stared at them and said "Oh.", that would be me. But that's uncomfortable. It's like when people ask "Hey how's it going?" they don't want you to actually say the real answer. It's just a formality, that you say "Oh good and you?", because no one really wants to know what's up when they ask that. They don't want you to say "It's going fucking shitty!". I don't like to bother people. And if I were myself, that would bother people. I know this, because whenever I don't act fake, people ask me if something is bothering me. Well, something is always bothering me, it's just more simple to pretend there isn't. Then there are no questions, no focusing on me, the focus is supposed to be on other people. Here is really one of the only places that I can purely open up and say what I think and feel. Because other then that, whomever I'm talking deserves more then I. I'm still reading Dying To Be Thin, and I still think it sucks. All the people they quote are so stereotypical it makes me want to punch someone. The talk extensivly about how stressfull it is for kids to go through puberty, how hoooooorrrible it is when they suddenly have to pick their own classes to take at school, suddenly deal with BOYS! Oh no, the trauma. I'm sorry but how the fuck does having to pick out class scheduales make you get an eating disorder? That's retarded. And how people with ED's are such perfect little children all their lives, how they never ever screw up and how they are always just sooooo great that the pressure of being so perfect and sweet makes them snap. Screw that. What about the other people? The ones that are NOT like that? Like me? According to that, I should not have an ED. I am the complete opposite. I never in my life got good grades, except for when I started school again(you know, cause I failed out the first time). I've never been neat and perfect, I'm a total slob and all my life I was constantly in trouble. I was the friend that was always grounded. I didn't try to please anyone, cause I always screwed up anyway why even bother? It just bugs me that people always try to fit everything into neat little packages, by saying "these people are like this, those people are like that". And that's what it seems like Dying To Be Thin does. I guess it just dissapoints me that I can't really relate to the book. 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