Date: Jun. 18, 2002
Time: 9:20 PM
My current mood is:
My dad is annoying
Fuck. I was just sitting in my room, my *self injury scissors* in hand, hovering over my arm ready to cut. I dropped them, buried my head in my hands, then came in here to write instead. My father is just annoying the fucking shit out of me. I feel so alone right now too, I'm all alone and have no one. Ever since my dad got home today he's been harassing me, ordering me around(gee what else is new). For the second time today he starts bitching how I need to clean my room cause the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow(we have this woman who comes every couple of weeks, I'm apposed to it). Mind you, he JUST told me today about this, and they are coming at 8am! So I was pissed and was like fuck that, there's no way I'm getting up at 8am on my day off. Then he starts yelling at me "I can't believe you'd do this to us! BLah blah blah! You can PAY for her then!" Um, fuck that! I don't even want her to come in the first place, and it's not my fault he has her come at absurd hours! Then he starts bitching to shut off all the lights...umm, thanks, he wants me to sit in the dark? Actually yes, he does. He'll actually come into a room I'm in and shut the light off and walk out. Then...uff, forget it. No one wants to hear me bitch about stupid things my dad says. It's just lame shit, but it's just the repetition of it that drives me crazy. "shut the lights off" "put your boots away" "do the dishes" "clean the bathroom", all of them said in a bitchy tone. All of them repeated over and over, before I even get to do them. Half of them not even DONE by me in the first place! But he refuses to believe my sister could ever do anything wrong. If there is anything out of place in the house, it is automaticly me that did it. I know it seems like I was going to cut myself because my dad wanted me to clean my room, but that's not why. I can steadily feel my dad's growing distaste for me. Of course, he never really liked me all that much over the years, but especially since my mom died a few years ago, I can feel his dislike and annoyance for me rapidly multiplying. With each "You left your boots out! Put them away!" or "You left a glass out!", it's like he's upset that there's evidence that I exist. I know it sounds like I'm reading into it, maybe I am. But that's how I feel when he says stuff like that..like he's trying to erase any evidence that I live here. I'm glad that I'm going to be moving out. The tension here is unbearable. Just earlier, I had the upstairs phone in my room(portable). Instead of asking if it was in my room, he pressed the little button on the cradle thingy, so that the phone part will make that annoying beeping noise. The point of doing this of course, is so you can then go to the noise and find the phone. He did not do this. He just let it beep. Over and over. It annoyed the fucking shit out of me. Of course I did NOT return the phone, and I did not say one word about it. You see, he wanted ME to return the phone. Yes, you could say there are some MAJOR control issues between me and my dad. The phone is still in my room by the way. Ok, I do feel more calm now after writing this, less like cutting. I'm going to go hang out with Katie, Hilary and Mike now.
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