Date: Jun. 16, 2002 Time: 12:43 AM My current mood is: Ummm....stuff Fuck, tomorrow's Father's Day and I didn't get my dad a present. I just went out to the 24 hour Walgreens but when I got there I saw they had moved nextdoor, was a lot smaller and not open. That sucks! No more 24 hour Walgreens...what's this world coming to? I'm such a last minute person, I ALWAYS do this on holidays/birthdays, I get people's presents on that day, I'm so bad. Earlier today I made a new diary ring dom-female, for us wonderful dominant females! Ya! It can be dominant in a sexual way, or in an attitude towards life/people way, or both. If you like telling people what to do and being in charge, join my ring! So join. NOW. DO IT! Hehe. Funny thing, at work today Evil Eric told me I "put fear in the hearts" of men! Hahaha! We were having a conversation about guys. I don't scare guys *too* much do I? Not enough to keep them away really, but I actually have had guys say they are scared to say things to me. Today I realized truely that Evil Eric will actually really do anything I tell him. I seriously boss him around all the time and he does whatever I say. I felt a little bad today when he said "Do you ALWAYS get what you want?", it brought about personal issues of being selfish, which I quickly pushed out of my mind. I mean being selfish is asking people to give you things all the time and thinking only of yourself. Getting what you want done means that if you want something to happen, you get it to happen. That's being bossy. There is a difference. I'll admit, at work I'm bossy. That's how things get done. My progress at kicking the bulimia has stagnated, at least that's what it seems to me. Maybe I'm just expecting to stop too fast, maybe it should be a slow process. I now have it down to on average once a day, sometimes skip a day sometimes twice a day. My last entry I said I ate a bunch of food, well I ended up throwing it up. I need to get back to ana, if only to feel that light airy feeling once again. The thing is, I'm not even keeping down that many calories, but the throwing up makes me feel like shit which offsets the euphoric feeling of starvation. Grrrr. And instead of feeling nice and empty, I end up feeling bloated. I hate how i get so bloated from purging. The past couple days I've been thinking about how much I've been bitching and moaning about my ED in my diary and in my head. This "Oh whoa is me, I'm going to die from this deadly disorder, I'm tainted, I cannot stop this horrible addiction, I have a fatal illness, I wish I could be normal" way of thought. Well BOO FUCKING HOO. What happened? I didn't used to think of myself as afflicted with some horrible disorder. And I've been thinking, I need to get back to that. Even as I'm typing this, I know it's not what's considered the "right" thing. I know I'm "supposed" to think this is bad, and know starving myself is a disease and all that jazz. But why sit here and sulk over it? What the fuck is the point? It just makes me depressed as hell to think that way, especially when I read articles on recovery statistics, and how extremely poor they are. I'm hesitent to even discuss that in here because I know people read this, and I don't want to be my usual pessimistic self and bring everybody down, but I could compair it to a cute quote: "If you are falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You've got nothing to lose" Actually now that I just wrote it, it sounds kind of depressing...but if you think about it, it's kind of funny. Imagine some guy falling off a cliff, figureing he may as well try to flap his arms, I mean hey why not! Ok...umm..my point being, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and quit bitching. Losing weight is GOOD :) Not eating is fun! Everything is good and wonderful and right when I don't eat and when I am losing weight and ESPECIALLY will be when I am thin!! I really need to get off my ass and start exercising again, I keep meaning to but I'm lazy. I know if I put my mind to it I could lose weight. It's such a waste, I have the metabolism, now if I just had the willpower!! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: