Date: Jun. 10, 2002 Time: 3:23 AM My current mood is: Is there a point to anything I write? Ok, TOMORROW NO MORE THROWING UP! Seriously, I've been saying that every single day for....umm...I don't know. But really, I need to stop. I know I'm gaining weight, although these pants are still baggy on me which is good. I haven't weighed myself in quite some time, because binging/purging makes my weight spaz out and fluctuates insanely. Most of it is just from the change in water balance, food, etc. I can still wear my all thin pants though which is good. Right now I'm listening to Crisis, they're a death metal band with a girl singer, what more could you ask for? So ya, once again I shall resolve to not puke. Nope. Just will restrict. I need to starve myself damnit! I NEED to be 90lbs, no joke. The other night at Julie's sister's house, Julie brought up about how Katie wants me to move in with her and her roommate Mike. She said something to the affect that it would be good for me, it would be a better environment, ok I forget exactly what she said, but she said it with this concerned look, the one she always gives when she says "You've lost weight". It's weird, because we've known each other so long that half of the way we communicate isn't even through words. We can just read each other. I can tell she thinks I'm starving myself because of my "homelife"(dad and his girlfriend situation thingy). I don't know, whatever. I made sure to tell her that he's breaking up with her, he finally realizes that she's psycho. She didn't seem convinced, and just shot me another worried glance. Today I decided to take a before and after picture of me, in regards ot my last entry about wearing makeup(my hair is wet from a shower, that's not grease!!): My webcam is a piece of shit, so in the first I am orange, it randomly changes colors *shrug* That's what happens when you get a cam for free I guess. I'm so gross, but don't I look a ton healthier in the second? I actually am looking better then usual in the first pic, my undereye circles aren't quite as dark as usual. Besides this, not much else new in my life, I didn't go to work today due to being really tired. I'm so stupid. Obviously A)sleep more and B)stop purging. I'd have to say tiredness is the extreme driving factor in me wanting to stop being bulimic. Tonight Katie and I drank, and talked about her new boyfriend, and guys in general. I had a weird dream last night. Normally I hate writing about my dreams in here, I don't know why. Basicly the dream was that my therapist Joyce(aahhh! I'm having dreams about you!) held this group get away thing, like a bunch of people who were going to her for therapy going away on this retreat/trip, I forget where. But I remember we had to take a train there. I felt kinda weird going, cause I didn't know any of the people, and the problems we had ranged from say..me, to a retarded person. As I was sitting on the train I kept wondering if I had remembered to tell my dad I was going on this retreat, cause I think it lasted for a week. So we got there, it was I think in some hospital actually, which is an odd place to have a retreat...I think it was like a week long inpatient thing? So anyway, she started handing out these baggies of food to everyone, then said to me "Oh yours was specially prepaired cause of your eating disorder, it's low calorie". So it was this little baggy of lettuce and veggies, then I looked at the time and it was only 4pm, and I thought "Oh..this is just a snack, we'll be eating dinner at 5:30, I can't eat this!!!" So I got all upset cause I didn't want to eat that AND dinner. Then I was walking around and I was really angry that I was there, I wanted to leave, and I punched a wall then some guy saw me and yelled at me. Then we had one day to go home, so I went home but then I forget what I did, but I decided I didn't want to go back so I just didn't take the train back. Then they found me and I got yelled at. At second thought, this was actually a pretty pointless dream, I don't know why I'm writing about it. For some reason it seemed very vivid to me, but in words doesn't seem that great. I think cause I'm forgeting a large portion of it. Nevermind. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: