Date: Jun. 11, 2002 Time: 4:59 AM My current mood is: Where should I live, and I'm back to ana I've been attempting to create a new layout for my diary with the help of my home-slice. I still need to work lots on it, so I'm just having this one up in the meantime, so treasure your last moments with Lenore everyone, and make it extra special. Today I was thinking about my future living situation. I have a couple choices, I can move in with Katie and her roomate Mike, or I could live in my dad's studio since the girl that's renting there is leaving in Sept. So I don't know. I mean there are pros and cons to each. Living alone- I've come to enjoy my privacy, since moving downstairs I'm sort of in my own little world, and have become the creature under the stairs. My dad pretty much ignores me unless he's ordering me around, so I'm pretty much solitary here. If I lived with Katie and Mike, I'd be sharing a room with her. Now don't get me wrong, Katie is a dear friend to me! We get along great. But I don't know, I mean I wonder if I would feel kinda claustraphobic? Having people around talking to me and stuff? I kinda like doing my own thing. That's the problem with living on my own though, I wonder if I would get TOO into my own thing and just become a hermit, never seeing the light of day again. I mean granted, the 3 of us wouldn't be sitting around 24 hours a day, we each have our own lives, I know I would have time to myself. Also, what if they think I'm a weirdo because of how I spend my time? In the past few years, due to both the ED and my depression taking a more physical aspect, I have a LOT less energy then I used to. To tell you the truth a lot of my time is spent sitting around doing nothing, like watching tv, lying down, sleeping, on the computer, just generally inactive activities. I even cancel plans with friends a lot, due to lack of energy. Will they think I'm lazy and stupid? When I cancel plans with people, I usually make up some lame excuse, but if they see that I'm just lying in bed, what will they think? Also Mike is a pretty blunt person, who's always sticking his foot in his mouth. I don't mind, because I know that's the way he is. But I know if I lived with him, he would definitly comment on my eating habits, that's just the type of person he is. That might freak me out. I'm used people my dad and sister just ignoring it, thinking I'm fine. Just the other day when I slept over there he said "You're so thin, you have no waist, do you eat??". I don't know if I could deal with comments like that... Then again Katie has an ED and has never mentioned Mike saying shit to her, so maybe he wouldn't? So anyway, I don't know. I also would feel bad bringing all my reptiles and fish and crowding up the place, then again they like animals. I'm thinking too much into this. Oh also, if I lived with Katie and Mike, they dont' have an apartment picked out yet, but I'm assuming it would be $1,000 a month, so I'd be paying about $350 which isn't bad at all, but if I lived in my dad's studio it would be for free(except for electricity, phone, etc.). Although he said that if I did want to live in it, it would only be till I finished college. I dunno. Blah. This entry is boring. I finally figured out what kind of turtle I have, yay! It's a rarely imported(possibly illegal?) turtle from Australia. Nifty. He's a Red Bellied Short Necked Turtle(part of the African Side-Necked family). Oooh birds are starting to tweet, time for me to get to bed! Oh I'm so psyched, I don't have work till Friday! YAY! I get to do absolutly NOTHING for 3 days! Actually that's not true, but it sounds nice, hehe. Oh and I didn't puke at ALL today, or yesterday I should say since it's now Tuesday. Well I haven't in 24 hours, so that's good. Sometime Sunday night something clicked in my brain. I had finished puking earlier, then was hungry so I ate a little cup of apple sauce. And the switch to ana began once again. It's odd, cause it doesn't matter what I want really, I can wish and wish to restrict all I want and I'll just keep eating, it's a matter of....I'm not sure exactly, I guess of my mind "deciding". It's true, it's like my mind just decides something, and that's the way it is. I hate when people refer to people with eating disorders as haveing a "voice" in their head, telling them to diet. That's dumb, I don't friggin have multiple personalities(not putting you down if you do), but in a way it is like it's a different part of you. Suddenly I will have the knowledge that I am to stop eating, and that it's been decided. It's like my concious mind is almost left out of the decision, not that I would disagree with it anyway. So now I'm back to restricting again. I had about...actually not entirely sure, and too lazy to check, but about 650 calories in the past 24 hours, maybe a bit more? I origionally wanted less, but decided not to deprive myself *too* much, don't want to set myself up for a binge or anything. My stomach has been feeling kinda annoyed for having food in it, not used to keeping stuff down. Hopefully I will have some more energy now, bulimia just zaps it right out of me! Ok nighty night. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: