Date: Jun. 05, 2002 Time: 9:05 PM My current mood is: Eating rotted food, yes this is my fantastic life. Picture Yoda walking up the stairs. That was me just now, as it took great energy and perseverence, as well as holding on to the railing in order to slowely hobble in here to use the computer. In one word: Trapped. I cannot excape my hell. Yesterday I puked so many times I ended up losing count, not ending till about 6am. Today I'm paying the price, I slept SO much and have been unable to really do much, besides the obviously very stupid binging/purging some more. I was supposed to go hang out with my friend Tiffeny today, I haven't hung out with her in forever. I ended up leaving a messege on her cell phone saying that I'm sick, I must have caught what my sister has, we'll hang out some other time. Uff, I'm so stupid. I did want to hang out, but today is a complete waste of a day, or more accurately I am a complete waste of a person today. Right now I feel like I'm in slow motion, like I'm swimming through maple syrup. Eww, that would be kind of gross! I woke up about 1pm today, watched Passions, ate but did not throw up(go me!), then went back to sleep at around 3:30-4pm, woke back up at about...6:30? I'm now tired as hell again, but I've barely been awake for like 5 hours today. Ok enough talking about my sleeping habits of the day. The whole throwing up thing has reached "that point". The point where I start HATING it, feeling out of control, and wanting to just die. Believe it or not, when you first start doing it, it's not like that. You actually think "Hey cool, it's not so bad". After awhile it switches, and by that point you are stuck, because you CAN'T stop. I can't live this way. Today I barely had enough energy to walk up the stairs, that's a problem. When it's to the point where you feel like an old lady, you know it's not right. Everything's cloudy right now. I got made fun of again for eating, again. It was embarrising, because I told the truth(well somewhat). My sister had gotten a salad at D'angelos, but let it sit in the fridge for a few days. I was eyeing it, but new I couldn't eat it cause then I'd get yelled at. So when I saw the lettuce getting brown and rotten, I thought "Yes, now I can eat it!", pretty sick huh? I'm so fucked. I took out the rotten pieces of lettuce/veggies, which was like half of it, and proceeded to eat. I didn't eat the whole thing, I'd already been in the middle of binging at that point, so I ate some of it then threw it away. My sister later on was like "Did you eat my salad???" I said no I threw it away because it went rotten, the lettuce was brown. Later on my dad called me into the room, both her and him were sitting there. Prime situation for me to get picked on. I knew it, cause whenever they call me in the room and are together, it's like being in middle school and having the popular girls call you over to their table, you KNOW they're going to smile bitchily and say something embarrising and tear you apart. Well anyway, so my sister says:"I'm going to ask you again, did you eat my salad?" with a bitchy smile on her face, holding in a laugh. She saw it in the trash I realize. Fuck. She saw that I had poured dressing on it. And that's what was embarrising. The fact that I was telling the truth when I said the salad had gone bad, and then I had eaten it. To a normal person that would make no fuckin sense, and she would probably think "Hey it obvously wasn't bad if she ate it still!", but that's not true. So again I got furious, and said that I threw it out because it went bad. And yes, I did eat some of it. She just looked at me trying as hard as possible not to burst out laughing at me. "Why are you smiling?" I asked angrily. Such is my life....my family laughing at me. I'm a fucking joke. Not a very funny or witty joke either, more just like a lame one people role their eyes at after you tell. Yes, I ate her rotted salad, one that most anyone who could afford food would throw away and not think twice about, and yes I then threw it up. Got a problem with that? Well good for you. And if that grosses you out, perhaps you'd also like to know I ate an uncooked hot dog. I can't remember what else I ate, because like I said I can't even remember how many times I purged yesterday. Want my life? I'll trade. Infact I'll pay you. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: