Date: Jun. 03, 2002 Time: 4:36 AM My current mood is: Ana spotting "Not only don't I need YOU, I don't even need FOOD. I am so self-sufficient, invincible, invulnerable, and self-contained I can live on air.....I'm NOT NEEDY!"-some book on eating disorders Damn, once again it's 4:18am, getting a bit tired, maybe I shall go to bed soon. Nothing really interesting happening lately, mostly just working. Today I've been kind of crabby, I wanted to smack the shit out of this dude Paul at my work, just because he's Paul, the most annoying person ever. I got soooo happy though when he messed up, some woman brought in some fish to give to us, and I said "Oh that's a big Farlowella", so Paul's like "No that's a Banjo Catfish", me:"Ummm...no, it's a Farlowella", Paul:"oh, you're right". HA! Take that loser! Ok I'm officially a geek, lol. He's just always trying to make it like he's some fish guru(sp?) yet he's totally stupid. For some reason the past few days guys have been giving me "hey baby" looks, weird! I haven't gotten those in a long time. Not sure why...I think over time as I've gotten more into my ED, I now dress in just baggy clothes, look like shit, and I'm sorry but it's true that guys like normal/bigger girls, not skinny ones. The times that I've gotten hit on the most is when I was normal weight, nowdays guys don't notice me at all. I kind of miss it, hot guys hitting on me(gross guys hitting on me I can do without!). For example, this hot guy came in to the pet store today, of course I've been single for so long now I forget even how to flirt with guys(me??? forget how to flirt??), I swear I didn't even know how. We exchanged this look that sent my heart zooming, this mutual "I want you" look, you know the kind. After that I just sort of thought about it, how I never get hit on EVER anymore. Maybe the past few days I look healthier? I kind of miss being able to get any guy I wanted, and I'm NOT even trying to be all high on myself, I'm just saying what's true. Sure, I've always thought I was ugly, but it's just true that for some odd reason guys find me attractive(or at least *did*). I think now I just give off this "I'm ugly don't look at me" vibe. That, and I look like a crack whore. Ok well maybe not the whore part, hehe. I was thinking though, I mean what if I just eat normal and gain weight back to normal? Just a thought, i would never change myself for some guy. But I mean, people thought I looked better when I was just normal. Maybe there's something to that? Eh, whatever. This girl came in today, I swear she was ana! She was so thin, her upper arms were the same size as her lower!!! Perfect! And...it wasn't just her physical appearance, it was, how do I describe this, maybe the way she held herself? I can't even explain what it was, but something about her movements/manurisms I could tell. I was completely fascinated by her, I stood up at the register and just stared at her, she didn't notice. I wanted her to look at me, and give me a knowing look, but then I realized I don't look thin so she wouldn't even know anyway. Oh well. Last night I went over Hilary's. We read that girl's journal some more, debated as to whether or not she actually has multiple personality disorder or is she just making it up, and then we watched some movie about a 2 headed guy who goes around attacking people. Bored bored bored. I'm hungry, but I don't want to purge again(did 3 times today). Dilemas dilemas. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: