Date: May. 31, 2002 Time: 1:33 AM My current mood is: Something...... I'm reading this excerpt from the book "Dying to be thin"....can you guess what it's about? I was looking through my wish list that I have on amazon.com, cause I need to get some new books. Right now the only thing I"m reading is the Bible. I never read it before, so I figured what the hey, may as well. I stole it from a hotel room a year ago, hehe. So while sifting through the books online, I started looking at Dying to be thin. Now I feel like punching a well, or the computer screen. No, not cause the book sucks or anything, but because it hits close too close to home. See, I'm at the point right now where everyday I say to myself "Ok, no more purging, this is the END of it", but then I end up purging again. Each day I say no more, but today I purged twice. Why can't I stop?? Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question. Another thing that has got me thinking, is that a few days ago Hilary and I found this girl's online diary. This girl is Mike's friend's girlfriend. I feel guilty that we found it, yet I'm a nosy bastard so we read it. The part that made me feel very bad for finding it, is that she talks about how she has multiple personality disorder, and how she used to self injure. It made me feel....I don't know. I mean at first we were laughing at how lame she was, and trust me, she's pretty lame. But when I read those things, I suddenly felt a connection with her, and a sudden wish I had not found her diary. On the connection part, no I do not have multiple personalities. But it made me think god, what if someone found my diary? And all about my food issues? She has a problem that is a big part of her life, as do I. I don't know, it just made me think about things. And when we read about the self injury, I felt odd, because Hilary's asked me about my scars before and I just said my usual lie, either "oh nothing" or "it was from when I worked at a animal hospital, all those wild cats". I don't know, I guess lately I've been having issues with all this stupid secrecy I shroud myself in. Why can't I just be honest about it? Because of other people's lack of knowledge? I wish I could just tell someone. It get rather lonely haveing to hide yourself from everyone, and pretend like everything's ok. Especially when everyone knows it's not, and that you're just hiding it. I was looking at this other book too, I forget the name, but it was saying about how she successfully treats people with eating disorders, and how the idea that there is no cure for EDs is false. It made me sad, because I do agree with that belief that there is no cure. Well, for some. When it comes to other people I'm always optimistic of course, but to myself....I don't know if I will ever be rid of this. Maybe it's just the pessimism talking, but I feel like I will eventually die from this. I know that sounds ultra melodramatic, but if you think about it, it's really not that far from reality. It's odd, it seems like I go through phases with my ED. Not just like what "type" of ED I have, but I mean in terms of what the not eating and the binging/purging actually MEANS. Like right now, sure I want to be thin, weigh less, etc. But right now a very large part of it is the feeling that I literally do not deserve to have normal amounts of food. I am not worthy. That's why I throw up. Because I do not deserve to have it in me. I'm so goddamn hungry, that's why I binge. Because my body is starving for nutrition, food, just anything that will sustain me. But I just can't keep it down, because I do not deserve to live like a human being. And that's why I want to be thin. It has nothing to do with wanting to "get a boyfriend" or "look like a model", none of that. I want to look skinny because then that means I'm not taking more then I deserve. Not being greedy. For me to have a normal healthy body would be selfish of me. I do not deserve it, therefore I must make sure I take less, weigh less, because I AM less. I even feel like other people are thinking it, even though I know in reality nobody gives a shit if I eat a normal meal, to me it seems like everyone thinks I shouldn't be. I feel embarresed when I eat infront of others. I just know everyone's thinking I shouldn't be eating that. The reasons for all this.....well, it would take me awhile probably to explain all of it. One of these days I will type out my whole "story" on my ED, I think it would be helpful for myself to get it all out, see it on the screen instead of just in my head. I wish I deserved something. Anything. But I do not. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: