Date: May. 28, 2002 Time: 12:41 AM My current mood is: Accused of eating I'm so pissed right now. I just went food shopping, unfortunatly in bulimic mode, throwing tons and tons of shit into the cart, thinking "mmm this would be easy to purge, this is a good food to binge on", let me tell ya, not a good way to be when you're food shopping! I found this out once I got everything through the register, and had spent $135...with the exception of actually HAVING that much money, lol. I felt sooooo stupid, I hate when that happens. I only had $110 with me, it was embarrising but was able to put some back. LOSER! So anyway, I came home and brought in the groceries, one handed because of my hurt shoulder. ALL of them of course, my dad just standing around watching me, my sister on the phone. And now.....FUCK!!!! I swear, my god, I'm on the verge of tears, fuuuuuck don't cry, don't let them see you cry. I just told them to both FUCK OFF(damn, can't believe I said that and my dad didn't flip out). It started as I was putting the food away, my dad goes "oh you bought Fig Newtons, maybe THIS time I'll be able to have some", I knew he was trying to imply that I had eaten them all the last time, so I said "They're not for you, they're for Jen", to try to change the..well not subject, but the meaning. He said "Well last time YOU ate them all!". I got wicked upset/pissed off and said "Why are you accusing me??? Why do you have to accuse me of EATING?? FINE I just won't eat ANYTHING!" He was sort of taken aback, but I was like "No I'm sick of you "accusing" me of eating!". I mean, first off, in those Fig Newton packeges, there are 24 pieces. I KNOW I didn't eat them all, I know it for a fact, and also yes I did finish them off, but did he bother to ask what else I had eaten that day? Does he know that when I ate a bunch of those, that was the biggest meal of the day for me(and yes they were Fat Free ones of course)? So then just now my sister bounces in the room with a grin on her face, saying "Dad wants to know if he can have a peace of mundle bread". Earlier today I had eaten the last few pieces of mundle bread. Mind you, mundle bread pieces are small, at least the ones my grandmother makes. 3 pieces is smaller then one slice of bread. And yes, I threw them up. So anyway, back to her asking me that, he purposly asked that because he KNEW I had eaten them, so I said "Why is he asking me?" knowing full well, she laughed and asked it again, then said "Oh and dad wants to know if he can have a brownie too!". Grrrrrrrr FUCK! So I said "You know what, the both of you FUCK OFF!!!!" My sister was shocked, and said "But..we were only kidding around...what's your problem?". So I just repeated what I had said earlier, how I'm sick of people accusing me of eating, how I just won't eat anything anymore. Then she came in again and was like "Damn, calm down, you're acting like me", so I kept flipping out and realized I was about to burst into tears at this point, and felt very embarrised that I was so bent out of shape about this. My sister was just like damn what is your problem. Just....fuck, you don't do that to someone!!! Especially someone like me! I'm so sick of it, how the fuck am I ever supposed to eat normal if they just belittle me for it and make it like I'm a huge fat pig??????? It really upsets me, I mean they don't realize that when I eat this stuff I throw it up. They don't realize if I eat the last brownie, it's cause I haven't eaten anything else the entire day. God. And people wonder why I'm 95 fucking pounds. Because any time I DO eat I get made fun of and belittled for it. I think it's horrible for someone to be "accused" of eating, I mean since when did eating become so...I don't know....something warrenting accusation? Today I went to a carnival with Hilary and Katie, Hilary took pictures of random stuff, like Katie and I infront of the porto-potties. We went on the ferris wheel, the guy running it was PISS DRUNK, lol, he could barely make it to the control panel. Perhaps that should have made us not want to get on it, but hey, as Katie said "He looks like George Clinton!" so we got on anyway. We ate fried dough, the whole time after that all I could think of was that we had to get back to Hilary's ASAP so I could purge, all that grease and fat! When we got back I tried to purge but it didn't work which sucked, nothing came up at all! Fuck. Oh well. I've been consuming so much food lately it's horrible. Then we watched a cool exploitation 70's film called Switchblade Sisters, it was pretty good! Earlier I almost got "caught". When Katie came over, she saw my sister outside who said she was worried about me, that I had spent all day in the bathroom possibly puking and she wanted to know if Katie and I had been drinking last night. Eeeek! I laughed it off saying I wasn't even home all day, I had no clue what she was talking about. Which was partially true. Truthfully I came home at 4pm, so I wasn't in the bathroom all day, just....hmmm....did I purge twice between 4pm and 5:30pm? My sister asked me about it a little earlier "Were you throwing up earlier? Were you drinking the night before or something?" I laughed it off saying no what are you talking about, I was in the bathroom cleaning underneath the sink, I just had the door closed the whole time. I lied pretty well considering I came up with that right on the spot, and she believed me, I'm pretty good at having a "What are you talking about?"-look on my face. 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