Date: May. 29, 2002
Time: 2:45 AM
My current mood is:
Almost confronted
Almost got confronted today about being ana. I felt really bad....this is what happened: My friend Julie, she's been my friend FOREVER. She's that one person who ALWAYS notices when I lose weight, I could lose one pound and she'd notice. She came into my work the other day and said "You get thinner every time i see you!!". I just said "No I don't what are you talking about", as usual. So tonight she came online and said she's been depressed lately. I asked why, she said she didn't know. But then she said one thing that's making her depressed, is that she's worried about me! I was like what??? She said she's very worried about me, but before she could say it, I kept saying "Well I'm fine, there's nothing wrong, I'm FINE, now back to you", kept switching it back to how is she doing, she knew I was doing that so she finally said "fine, forget it, nevermind!". I felt bad, I think I pissed her off. I just got so freaked out about what she was going to say, and I knew by her tone it was about my weight. Hehe, we've known each other so long I can tell her "tone" over the internet. It's so dumb, I've known her for 15 years, and I can't tell her about my ED. Why not? Why shouldn't I just tell her? Me, her, and Katie have all been best friends for over a decade, Katie has told Julie and I about her ED, yet I've only told Katie about mine(because she told me about hers first). Obviously I know Julie isn't going to do anything bad or say anything mean about it, she knows Katie has an ED and is supportive, so why am I afraid to tell her? Maybe the fact that I have known her so long makes me more afraid to tell her. I feel so awful too, that I've actually made her depressed lately. I'm such a horrible person!!! Making someone depressed....so anyway, the plan is, I'm binging like mad tonight, because Julie and I are going bowling tomorrow(yes isn't that lame), so I'm going to *try* to gain a pound or 2 if that's possible to do in one night, and then when we go I will totally pig out infront of her, so she sees that I'm fine. God, why do people act so dramatic about me losing weight? I'M NOT EVEN THIN!!! I'm mad too, cause after that whole thing with my dad yelling at me for eating, I was planning on going on a fast, not eating till I am 90lbs. That will have to wait, AGAIN. Hmmm...what else...Work was fairly uneventful today, as usual. Except that I was a bitch, but then I realized it and felt bad. I suggested to someone that they put 4 goldfish at once in their new 12 gallon aquarium. When Tina suggested they only put 2 not 4, I was like "what are you telling them? They're just going to DIE anyway!"(customrers didn't hear this of course) Then I took back 2 of them, and I realized damn, I've become bitter. I should know better. That was mean of me, to figure they're just going to kill them all anyway, so why bother giving correct info. So Tina came over and said "By the way I wasn't trying to undermine you, I'm sorry.." but I interrupted and apologized, and told her I was being a total bitch, which is odd cause I HATE apologizing to Tina. This paragraph is totally pointless and boring, just some random thing today. Another random fact: someone brought in a Balloon Molly fish that had it's eyes eaten off. Poor blind fishy. Hmmmmm.....I think there's things I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember! One thing, I was thinking of writing a thing about how my ED started, a minor "saga" thingy kind of like how banana3159 did with her living arrangement experiences, except mine would be much less interesting and shorter. But I'm not sure if I want to, cause I might get sick of writing it after the first entry and then give up. I tend to not follow through on things. Then again I've been writing in this diary for quite some time now, so hey there's something I've followed through on! So I'll have to think about that, and if I do decide to write it, how indepth I want to get(going back to childhood?). We'll see.
Leave a message
Last Entry ~ Next Entry
|