Date: May. 09, 2002 Time: 12:59 AM My current mood is: My depressing thoughts at 1am I should be in bed right now, since I have an 8:30am final for Adolescent Psychology tomorrow. I can't sleep though(isn't that the story of my life?). Keep thinking depressing thoughts like killing myself and wishing that John cared about me. For awhile I sort of just buried my feelings for him, but his breakup with his girlfriend triggered me and now all I want is to be with him and for him to tell me that he cares about me. I was talking to Jon C. tonight and he said that I should just tell John how I feel, but I don't know I can't do that. It would make me too vulnerable, put me in a bad position....one where I could get hurt and make myself look like an idiot. Rejection hurts like a bastard. I was also thinking about how I have come to the realization that I will not be a psychotherapist. All my dreams of graduating college, getting a Masters then becoming a therapist....it's not going to happen. It's too bad, cause I would really like to be one. But these are the breaks in life. I'm just not mentally intact enough for that type of job. I mean if it's to the point where unless I find the right medication I will do horrible in school, then I'm sorry but I'm just not mentally stable enough. Yes, that would be nice if I finally found the right medication and I could go through school and get a degree. But my entire future career would be relying soley on the premise that the medication would keep working. For that one great semester, my first semester freshman year, the Zoloft worked. Suddenly everything in my brain clicked, I could do my work, it was as if I'd needed glasses very badly my whole life, and I finally just got them. Then it stopped working, and in essence, my glasses were broken. Finding a new medication to work is like.....it's like rummaging through that box of donated glasses they have at the town library. Yes, it's nice for people to donate glasses for people who can't afford them, but what are the odds that a person will find their exact perscription? That's what I feel like trying out new pills are like, just grasping at straws. I am obviously not capable of completing college, which makes me sad because I know I could be. The material isn't hard for me. I'm not trying to brag, but I have yet to have had a college course that I would consider too hard, except Statistics though I did get a B in it. I just can't understand why if it's all so easy for me, then why am I most likely failing out of school? Well, it doesn't matter. The fact is I can't do it. I will have to pick another venue in life. Maybe I will become a life long employee at the pet store I work at, forever making $7.25 an hour. No, enough self pity, I obviously will not be working there for the rest of my life! I need to find something....something that I can do with minimal schooling, perhaps if it takes training and it's just a short period of training, like not years, maybe I can handle that. Perhaps I should go to hairdressing school. Actually is that 2 years? I don't even know. I don't want to do something that has absolutly no interest to me, it has to be something that I already have some sort of...well not talent in, but at least some type of interest. As far as beauty school, I do cut my friends hair and my sister hair when they ask me too, and have very rarely gotten complaints. Or I have this eyebrow obsession, I could totally see myself waxing people's eyebrows for a living, just because I think an absurd amount of people do NOTHING with their eyebrows when they could shape them sooooo nicely! I could do the opening up a pet store thing, but I don't think I could do that by myself, and especially nowdays opening up a small business in the face of all the large corperations is very risky. Perhaps something with computers? Yesterday I was weighing the option of becoming a stripper. I don't really have the body for it though, and that would mean I'd have to shave my legs. Also I would hate walking around naked, and I can't stand my body....so I doubt that's an option. Hey, I could become a dog groomer, I think the groomers at my pet store make something like $1,000 a week or more, that ain't too shabby. But smelling wet dog all the time? I don't know about that. I need to take a vacation somewhere, I never really go away unless it's like a family vacation type of thing. I need to just get out of this state, be on the road and feel carefree. I wonder if I said this to John, if it would give him the idea to invite me to California for a visit? Hey it's worth a try, though I don't know how that would work out with his ex girlfriends living there and stuff, might be odd. I need to just forget about having a relationship with him, I mean first off he's too good for me. I wouldn't want to drag him down by going out with me. Seriously, all I would give him is greif, I mean the whole dieting thing with me why the hell would I want him to have to put up with that? He deserves someone normal, and not a fuck up like I am. Today I bought 2 fish for my 29 gallon, and I bought a 5 gallon hex tank that I'm going to put a Leopard Puffer in. I love Leopard Puffers, they're the cutest fish ever! I still need to get salt(they're Brackish water fish), a heater, etc. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: