Date: May. 09, 2002 Time: 6:02 PM My current mood is: Images of death "I'm not afraid of being sick, I'm more afraid of being well"- Jack Off Jill I keep eating so much, I hate it. I ALWAYS eat tons the week before my period. The thing is, when I am just eating normal, I never noticed that I eat more before my period. Maybe the restricting brings it out more or something, I get cravings for CHOCOLATE!!! I feel sick right now, but what else is new, I always feel sick after I eat. I think it's just a mental thing, just the familier "I feel like I have to puke" feeling. I just ate rice for dinner, blech. So far today I ate a banana, an apple, probably about a cup of chocolate icecream, and just 10 minutes ago that rice...perhaps a cup of it? Ew ew ew. And I'm hanging out with Katie later, so god knows what else I will manage to stuff into my mouth. Today's been fairly lame so far. Woke up at 7:30am for my final, when I got there she said "Ok and as you all know this is open notes and open book"....DOH!!! Of course I didn't bring mine, cause I didn't know it was. Smooth move. Then came home and slept, and lied in bed till about 5pm cause all I could think about was wanting to throw up, killing myself, and cutting myself. So I figured I'd just stay in bed with my eyes closed because it was safer that way. I think getting drunk enough that I threw up the other night triggered me, cause since then I keep wanting to make myself puke. I just want to fucking die. I keep fantasizing about killing myself, wondering what position would my body be in when I died? Would I have my ankles crossed? On the floor or propped up against something? Would I do my makeup first? Would I just do my makeup regular or maybe do myself up all cool or something....I was thinking I would wear sort of a dark wine color lipstick I think. Why do I think like this? I'm so weird. Strawberry Gashes "Turn her over A candle is lit, I see through her Blow it out and save all her ashes for me Curse me sold her The poison that runs it's course through her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over Called her over and asked her if she was improving She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here Hex me told her I dreamt of a devil that knew her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over I lay quiet waiting for her voice to say "Some things you lose and some things you just give away" Scold me failed her If only I'd held on tighter to her Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me Watch me lose her It's almost like losing myself Give her my soul and let them take somebody else get away from me Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over all over me"- Jack Off Jill Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: