Date: May. 07, 2002
Time: 2:55 AM
My current mood is:
Would you like fries with that?
I just talked to John, him and his girlfriend Kat broke up. This is the third time she's broken things off with him. Although I don't know if I could call it breaking up, more like she would hook up with him then be like "Oh I don't want to be with you" type of deal. I feel so bad, he's so depressed, he said he's been drunk all day cause of it. I tried to tell him that she wasn't right for him, she didn't treat him good. I mean seriously, from what he's told me she just keeps leading him on. Basicly she wants him to be pining over her always, but then if he starts likeing some other girl she gets jealous and wants him back. It's totally lame, and Hilary thinks it's lame too. The irony is that she is one of his roommates, which makes it really dumb for them to be doing this off and on bit. It's one thing to move in with someone you're in a relationship with, but to move in with someone that you like but that never gives you the time of day unless she feels like it....people are bound to get hurt. I don't even know what he sees in her, from what he's told me she sounds very manipulative. I just don't get it. And this is so dumb but I wanted to say "she treats you like shit, I treat you right, come back here to me!". It's true, I never did that to him. I would treat him right. I hate to admit this but I still have feelings for him, I mean technicly I'm over him but god I still wish I was back in his arms. There is just no one like him. *sigh* What's so special about her? I guess he's just one of those people that prefers to get manipulated and used? I don't get it, if someone was like that with me, I'd be like fuck you get out of my life. I wonder if he was this upset when me and him stopped going out? I wish I knew. I wish he missed me....does he miss me? Does he ever think about me? I assume so, at least as a friend considering we still talk all the time and he lives on the opposite side of the country. But does he *really* think about me? Not just like "Oh I should give her a call, haven't talked to her in awhile". Ah well, what's the use of wondering, even if he does think about me he wouldn't tell me anyway. It's not like I tell him. I have that same feeling I get when I talk to him sometimes, this feeling I don't get with anyone else. This feeling like my throat hurts, my insides hurt, and I want to cry. Why am I just a friend to him now? I mean, apart from the fact that we are a billion miles away. I still wish for the day he blurts out his undying love for me, that he can hide it no more and that he wants to move back here so that he can be with me, cause he can't bear it one more second. But it never happens, and I don't think it ever will. I try to be smug and think "Well if he came back I wouldn't go out with him anyway", but I know inside that's a lie. I hate this feeling, in the past guys I've gone out with have been the ones pining over me, all in love with me, but now it's the opposite. And it's not fair. It's not fair that it's clear to me that him living in California is all wrong, but not to him. Here he had friends, me and him were together, ummm....near boston....well I don't know. There was does he have? He lives with 2 people who are going to be getting married, that girl Kat who continually uses him, both those girls are his ex-girlfriends, why the fuck would you want to live with your ex's is behond me...he doesn't have a job, and he's been there for an entire YEAR almost. He is living off of money his dad left him when he died, so basicly wasting it all and there will be none left soon. He doesn't know anyone there really except his roommates. Why is he even there? It's stupid. I could see if he was doing well out there but he's not. Whatever. I could never tell him how I feel though, my fear of rejection is too high, I NEVER tell someone how I feel unless they tell me first, and only then I *might* tell them back. As you can tell I'm a pretty guarded person. Well, not in my diary. But in real life....basicly everything I say in my diary is all the shit I don't say. This is all the shit I'm thinking while I wear a plastic smile on my face, as I try to help everyone with their problems, as I say "nevermind about me, how are YOU?", as I listen to everyone else's feelings, I secretly have my own. And normally people are pretty content at leaving it at that, at me being The Listener, The One You Can Talk To About Anything. Yup, that's me. How can I help you? I am the proverbial drive-through window. I don't know what else to say.
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