Date: Mar. 13, 2002 Time: 5:50 PM My current mood is: "I am the rain" "Too eager to appease The cure is the disease And it's only growing worse Day by day it takes its hold Divides its cells a thousandfold And makes your blindness seem perverse Out of sight and out of mind Are deadly traits when they're combined But it's easier that way Sit and watch the world go by While all the problems multiply With nothing left to do but pray"- Assemblage 23 Sorrow, sorrow. Eh, what can ya do? I went to my therapist yesterday. I told her how I am not on any meds, she said I should either go back to my psych. or she will give me a name of another psych. I don't want to go back to my psych., she doesn't like me. I can tell I irritate her. But if I go to another one instead then I feel like I will be hurting her feelings. My therapist said that people do this all the time though, switch docters, so it's no big deal and it won't hurt her feelings. I'm still afraid though. Well anyway, besides being depressed, not much else going on. I talked to Jim, I think we are hanging out sometime this week. I've been thinking about him a lot. Pondering what if I was to go back out with him? Since I haven't talked about Jim in a long time in here, this is a description of who he is: Arrogent, funny, confident, would do anything in the world for me. My exboyfriend, we went out for 2 years. Always the laugh of the party, and always, always, drinking. Often throughout our relationship I wondered if he is considered an alcoholic, or does he just really like to drink? What is the difference? If there is a fine line, he walks it. Skinny, pale, I could probably kick his ass if I tried. The sex was incredible. The sex was also a bit too careless, as he walked me to the abortion clinic. Jim, macho, listens to death metal, not ever emotional or flowery. Talk of emotion or serious issues would send his eyes wandering nervously around the room. Jim was a blast to be around, though our relationship had a ring of hollowness to it. "how do you feel about me?" I'd ask. "um...I like you" he'd reply, I don't think he ever once stared into my eyes, just stared and said something wonderfly romantic. But he loved me, he would sometimes tell me so and I could tell he meant it. He stuck around through everything with me, no matter what I put him through. Uncomplaining, he was always by my side, even while I cried to him how the other guy I was seeing was mean to me(Jim and I were just "seeing each other" at that point) he comforted me. He drank pickle juice once because I told him to, even though he hates it. Jim, who I punched in the balls repeatedly once(I warned him!), then called me the next day all fine and dandy. He has his faults, and his positive points, like anyone would. So the question is, what do I think? I don't know. Maybe I am just thinking of going back to him because I feel like I will never have someone like him again. Someone who will always be there for me, someone who in order for us to break up it would have to be me to do the dumping, cause he would never never leave me. Maybe I am asking for trouble, he loved me, I did not love him back. I shouldn't hurt him. Well anyway, no hurt in just hanging out as friends. So I dunno, we'll see what happens. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: