Date: Mar. 12, 2002
Time: 1:01 AM
My current mood is:
So damn depressed I want to die
I am so sick of thinking of killing myself every fucking day. At least I'm on spring break though, so I can try to give myself some rest and calm. I've got to try to stick through the rest of this semester, it's becoming increasingly difficult to focus on school. I am failing one of my classes, for absolutly no reason. I just can't get a grip, I can't focus on school. How can I when there is no future? All I see is nothingness. I will never live long enough to finish school and become a therapist, I will either die or end up killing myself first. So then why even bother to be in school? I don't know. I can't stand working towards nothing, it's just so pointless, just like everything is. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Millions of people go to college, why can I not do it? Why does it seem impossible for me to do? What am I not mentally stable enough to do it? Why can't I get my head on straight. Am I really that abnormal though, in regards to that depression test I took? It says severe depression, yet I've always been this way(more or less) it seems normal to me. Then again is it normal to want to kill yourself all the time, to think about doing it daily, more then once a day? As always I feel like everythihng is swirling around me, life moving too fast, pressure, too much damn pressure. I feel ashamed and pressured when my dad is home and it is 5pm and I am still in my pajamas. I get dressed because he would think I am weird if I don't. I feel weird when I am lying in bed all day, he must htink I am so lazy. I can't help this though, I just need to lie down for awhile, like for an eternity. It just gets so hard to pretend. To force myself to act normal, happy. All I want to do is just take a break from everything, from life.
Leave a message
Last Entry ~ Next Entry
|