Date: Feb. 12, 2002
Time: 7:04 PM
My current mood is:
How much longer?
I feel like shit right now. I think its cause I didn't get much sleep last night, and now I'm just all crappy and sad and angry and not even sure what's up. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying, or punching a wall. I hate this feeling. Maybe it's because I just ate dinner. I get so depressed from eating, I hate it, I hate EATING! I don't know how much longer I can take this, this eating so much, weighing normal(fat!!), the awful awful guilt I feel every night as my head hits the pillow, and I pull the blanket over and curl up thinking maybe tomorrow, maybe tommorow I will eat less, start dieting, because I can't take this, it's too much. What am I saying though? Am I saying I'm going back to dieting? I think I can't decide. Every day I think up arguements to have with myself, thinking why I should go back to dieting, losing weight. I'm getting so tired of fighting them, I'm starting to forget why I wanted to eat normal. Why did I? I don't really know why anymore, it seems I have more reason not to eat. Why do I have to feel so awful like this?On Thursday in my Adolescent Psych. class we're going to be talking about eating disorders, I feel a mix of curiousity and fear.
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