Date: Jan. 24, 2002
Time: 11:31 PM
My current mood is:
Where do I draw the line?
Entry number 3 for today! I'm on a roll here. I just wanted to say that today has not been so good "recovery"-wise. Maybe I should say as far as normal eating goes. Ya. Well anyway, all day that damn candy bar has been harassing my thoughts, all I can think about is how I need to exercise. Around dinner time I really didn't want to eat, and I really would have skipped it too except my dad made me eat. So I made myself something low calorie, I just couldn't bear to eat a full meal. I tried not to look at the calories but I kept sneaking peaks at which salad dressing had the least amount, stuff like that. Ok I had a toasted cheese sandwhich which consisted of regular bread(had a minor freak out over that) and one piece of low calorie cheese, then had some lettuce with dressing on it. I had to force myself to eat 3/4 of it all. I mean literally I just couldn't do it. Later on I was hungry and wanted to get something else to eat, but I wouldn't let myself. So I kept wandering from room to room, fighting with myself over whether I should eat something or not, cause if I did then it would be eating too much and if I didn't it would be eating too little. Eventually I just no I won't and went food shopping. In the middle of food shopping I felt like crying though. I had intended to go and just buy whatever food I felt like, full calorie foods, foods you would find in a normal household. But when I got there all I could do was check the calories of things and buy low calorie stuff. Right now, for the past hour I've been trying to eat this little thing of apple sauce, it's about the size of a baby food container. So far I've managed to eat 1/4 of it, about a few teaspoons full. I just can't do it. Today it's so hard to eat. And I was thinking about how maybe would it still be normal if I took diet pills...just 2 a day? I mean some normal people take diet pills too right? But no, I shouldn't. I know that would be falling back into things. It's just so confusing where to draw the line. Like what if I eat normal amounts of food, but keep everything low calorie? And what if I also exercise everyday? Normal people do that, do they? I don't want to start counting calories to see if I'm getting the proper amount, cause I know I'll end up going nuts with it and start lowering the amount. Uuuffff...so confusing.
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