Date: Jan. 22, 2002
Time: 12:15 AM
My current mood is:
Sugar in my tea
Tonight I did something I haven't done in a long, long time. I had sugar in my tea. I haven't put sugar in my tea in...I don't know, almost 2 years? Now, I know most people would hear that in say "What? You're weird." Ok ya, so maybe I am. But there is a significance to this occurance. You see, I've been using only Equal or Sweet'n Low for so long because it contains no calories. Sugar in my tea was strictly forbidden, I mean that's just extra calories! So tonight I was at Mike's, and Hilary made me some tea. I asked if they had any Equal and they said no, only sugar. For a minute I panicked, and though "well I can just have it with nothing". Then I realized...no, I will have it with sugar. You know why? Because I'm trying to stop dieting. I've been eating lately, and not puking either. I'm trying, it's hard, but I am trying. So I took some sugar in my tea, and it was a momentous occasion. I don't know how long this will last, but I may as well try. I don't know what has come over me, what made me decide to stop. I didn't hit any rock bottom, nore did some fortune cookie make me see the light. It just sort of happened. I guess I just started to realize....what's the point? I mean why? Why am I starving myself? It seems kind of insignificant, to focus on food/weight so much, I mean seriously it seems like such a trivial thing in the grander scheme. I'm not saying I'm "cured" or that I will never diet or make myself vomit again. Just right now, I don't see the point in it. Part of me fears that I will just move on to some other vice, as I have in the past. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic. I know that dieting, purging, cutting, all of that stuff, it's only the symptom of the problem in me, so I don't think that problem is solved, perhaps it will just manifest itself in new ways? I don't know. It will be hard to eat what's considered normal, I mean I am eating lots, but not in the traditional 3 square meals a day with 2 snacks deal. I feel like I just eat in binges, randomly throughout the day. I know logically this is because it is hard for my body to adjust to eating after being deprived for so long. I don't want to get fat. I think I should start exercising everyday(I haven't been, I'm lazy), so that with the weight I gain at least I will be fit. I mean I don't want to turn into a tub of goo, but then again I'm afraid that if I start exercising regularily, then maybe the old eating habits will come back, and I'll start cutting back on meals again. It's also hard to know that if certain guys saw me at normal weight, they might be dissapointed. Guys say they like small girls...as I lost weight, Bud would smile as we felt my hip bones sticking out, he liked me thinner I could tell. John liked me thin too, gushing over how flat my stomach was. How is all that supposed to make me feel? Or my dad yelling at me about how there is no peanut butter left, always "accusing" me of eating things. Women around me always talking about dieting..... it's hard to eat normal in a world like this. Maybe I will get a meal plan at school this year. I always kinda felt out of the loop, because that's when you get to know people, at lunch and dinner. When you get to talk to people you otherwise not see during the day. I think I'd be closer with people at school if I started going to meals. Even now as I type, I feel panicky over the amount of food I've eaten today, panicked about how my gut hangs out. Well, tomorrow is my orthopedic appointment. I'll see what he says, I wonder if he'll say there is nothing wrong with me and that it's all in my head? Then again, if it was all in my head the chiropractor wouldn't have said I have minor scoliosis. I don't know, I'll see what he says.
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