Date: Jan. 21, 2002
Time: 1:10 AM
My current mood is:
"One who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be"
Ok second entry for the night. Ya, I have a life. Seriously though, I just don't know what else to do. I can't stand doing anything, or being anywhere. All day on and off I've felt like I wanted to burst into tears, for no apparent reason. Anything I do, no matter what it is, I don't want to. Being at work makes me depressed, being home makes me depressed, hanging out with people makes me depressed....I can't stand just BEING. Being in general. I hate this. Earlier I was standing in the middle of my kitchen with my eyes closed. Yup. I feel like I have this huge brick right in the middle of my chest, I really do. I feel this huge weight, this black whole of depression sucking a void into my universe. No matter where I go or what I do, I hate it. I can't even get comfortable watching tv. Ever get the feeling that you don't want to do something? That's how I feel about every single thing in the world, basicly I just don't feel like being alive right now. It's fucking annoying. Thoughts of cutting go in and out of my mind, I try to block it out. I feel like I'm in another major depression. I hope not. I'm on Zoloft, it should start working soon, though I forget when exactly I started it. Must of been a few weeks ago. I hope it works soon, I can't take this. I hate when people make it like it's...I don't know, like immature to be depressed. Or that it's lame to be depressed when you don't have a really shitty life. I mean I know I have it better then lots of people, I have a roof over my head, I'm in college, plenty of other things. But I can't help it. Being depressed isn't just whining about what sucks and what you don't have, I think a lot of people don't get that. I could have all the money in the world and still wanna die. It's something internal. Sure, things can set it off, but lots of times nothing does at all, I just get depressed for no reason at all. I just hate when people make fun of depression. This whole entry is fucking pointless. I just can't stand this horrible feeling inside of me. I wish I could take something or do something that would make it go away, like right now. This pain is unbearable."I have never felt such frustration
or lack of self control.
I want you to kill me
and dig me under, I wanna live no more One who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be
I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me, for me I want to taste dirty, a stinging pistol
in my mouth on my tongue
I want you to scrape me from the walls
and go crazy like you've made me" -Alice In Chains
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