Date: Jan. 07, 2002 Time: 1:28 AM My current mood is: What a wedding makes me think about. OK now that I'm a bit more sane state of mind(am I ever really though?). I went to my cousin's wedding today, didn't get home till 11 or 12am, something like that. It was ok. It was the first jewish wedding I've been too, which I guess is odd considering I'm jewish. It basicly re-inforced my belief that *if* I ever get married, I do not want a religous wedding. Non of that lame crap. I want a justice of the peace in a hall, and that's that. I can't stand all the god talk, and the weird customs that are just pointless. Religion is lame, it just seems so dumb to me. I used to be religious, well not really but just a bit, but I've slowely grown out of that. And since my mom died, that sort of sealed my anti-religion ideas. But anyway, my dad brought Donna, his girlfriend. I have to say.....she has a MULLET! YES, A MULLET! Not like a trailer trash type of mullet, more of a middle aged type. Yes, there are different kinds of mullets. So while I was watching the wedding service, I was thinking about things. I thought about how I had felt last night, about killing myself(and still feel now to some degree), and thought how maybe killing myself would be wasting something? I mean that's what people say, right? So-and-so had so much more to offer, it's a shame...... So what would I be wasting? The only thing I could think of would be the fact that I can attract guys. I know that sounds lame, but not everyone can do that. Some people can't get guys for the life of em, and are miserable cause of that. I'm not saying I'm hot and being self centered, cause personally I think I'm ugly. But you know what, for some reason I attract guys, so hey might as well accept that. So basicly, maybe I should use that to my advantage. I should stop looking like crap everyday, I never wear my contacts cause I"m too lazy, just always wear my glasses, my hair needs to be cut and dyed cause it looks crappy, my skin is getting a little crappy cause I'm not on the pill right now, and all I ever wear are baggy clothes cause I'm ashamed of my body. I need to pull myself out of this funk. I need to start doing myself up, stop letting myself go. I need to start gettin guys! I'm not going to care about them though, cause that's dumb. I just want to get them, hook up with them, then leave em. Why not? Why shouldn't I? Screw all this relationship bullshit. Back when I was 18, and went into college the first time, I got with whoever I wanted, simply because I could. That's when I figured out I was attractive to guys. When I would decide I wanted a guy, so I would have him. I'd start off the night with some guy friends, all of us saying "we want to get some tonight", of course I'd be the only one who would, hehe. I need to be like that again, I've gotten so.....I don't know. I think I'm not sexual enough anymore. Maybe I will dye my hair black. I swear, it's all in the attitude. Lately no one hits on me, and it's cause I have this leave me alone attitude. Well, I can still have that attitude, but I need to try to know I'm sexy. When you know you're sexy, that's when people are attracted to you, no matter what you look like. Ok maybe there are exceptions..... But anyway, like I was saying before, if I am attractive to guys, I might as well use the one good thing about me. I mean really, what else use do I have besides being a sex object anyway. I'm not saying I want to sleep around, I'm not into having sex with random people, just gettin some booty, you know? But always, always, staying disengaged, aloof, unaffected. Because that is the whole point. To get someone to fall for you, be so attracted to you that they absolutly need you, but you do not need them. And then you break their heart. Because I can. Oh, and just incase you're reading this "Jackish One", keep in mind that it is not I that have an entire diary devoted to me on how much I suck. jack32483sux ROCKS! Jack you are a LOSER! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: