Date: Jan. 06, 2002 Time: 2:39 AM My current mood is: Freaking out cause I ate!!!! I'm having a fucking mental breakdown right now!!!!!! I just ate a bunch of food, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I want to die, DIE DIE! I really want to purge it so much, but no, I shouldn't, I'm not supposed to. I really want to cut myself, but no, not supposed to do that either. Why is it that I've been trying to stop cutting for the past few years and I STILL want to cut??? Will the urges ever stop?? The only time they stop is when I'm on Zoloft. FUCK! I'm getting so FAT what is wrong with me?????? I'm so disgusting I just want to cut myself over and over to punish myself, get what is rightfully mine, punishment. I can't, I can't, especially since tomorrow is my cousins wedding, can't have cuts all over me, not good. Wedding..........you know what that means.....MORE FOOOD! Why am I a fucking pig???? I'm so disgusting! I'm such a loser, I can't do anything right at all! I deserve to just kill myself cause I can't do anything right, there's no point in living, why even bother?? If I can't even diet, I mean geez, stuffing my face why even live like that? I'm going to be huge and chubby, gross. I'm a loser. No, I can't purge, I don't know why, can't think of a reason not too except that maybe I should deal with the evil dead I have done, punish myself by not letting me throwup, keep it in me to rot and digest. I want to die I want to die I want to die I keep thinking of ways to kill myself, I'm not actually going to do it, just the images going through my mind, taking a butcher knife slitting my wrists, holding a gun to my head feeling the cold steel in my mouth, taking many many pills, doing it the "Heathers" way and drinking draino, back to thinking about the knife slitting my wrists again, if I did that would I end up freaking out and calling an ambulence or waking up my dad? Or would I just let oblivion come? Would I make any last calls? My mind is racing, racing, wishing my diet pills would come in the mail already, taking their sweet time. Wishing I could start that fast I keep saying I will go on. I decided I'm going to claim injury from my accident. That bitch was trying to lie and shit, so screw her. My neck and back are messed up already, so I'm just going to say it's from that. They can't prove it's not. Besides, my shoulder is really starting to hurt me today, I wonder if it is from the accident? I'm going to play it safe and say it is, I've seen people say oh nevermind they they are stuck with pains and docter bills, cause they wanted to be nice about it and not blame the person. My numb spot on my back is acting up again right now, like it does everyday. Whoever put me together didn't do a very good job, I feel like an American made product. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: