Date: Jan. 04, 2002
Time: 2:37 PM
My current mood is:
My hatred of everything
I didn't feel like finishing that last entry, I was too tired. So I'll finish right now. I called Bud, thinking he probably wouldn't pick up the phone since his phone will say who's calling. And I was right. Fucking asshole! I don't understand it. Why is he avoiding me, making it like he wants nothing to do with me, if supposedly the reason we broke up is that he's too busy for a relationship or not ready, some shit like that? If that was really the reason, he'd still be talking to me at least, right? Why has he built this huge brick wall between us, there is no way for me to penitrate, to even talk to him in any form. I need to know what happened, I need him to explain to me what is going on, cause I really don't understand. Why does he all of a sudden dislike me so much that he can't stand to even communicate with me? It just doesn't make sense to me, and I'm so angry because of that. He acted like he cared. I told him so much, gave him so much of me. Why couldn't I have known this before, so at least I could have remained more aloof. Well tonight when I get back from the radio station, I'm going to call him but on my sister's phone, maybe he won't recognize the numbber...geez I feel like a stalker or something. I just need to break through the barrier and ask him what is going on, I need to understand, I'm living in this state of confusion and it's unbearable. I have this ball of emotion in me, I don't know when it started, but it's this ball of anger, swirling inside of me. No matter what, it's always there now, just this ball of anger and frustration. Everytime I think of Bud it grows bigger and bigger. Geez I am so fat too, I keep eating everything in site! Last night I had a dream that I was in a kitchen and there were all these cakes, and I wanted to eat them all, but they were all uncut, no one had taken a slice yet, so I felt too guilty to take the first slice, like I wasnt supposed to. So I just tried eating some of the frosting on the sides. Well, anyway, every time I eat, afterwards I feel like I just want to die. I hate this. I hate EVERYTHING!
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