Date: Jan. 03, 2002 Time: 1:41 AM My current mood is: I think I finished writing a poem Today I was late work....VERY late! I had work at 8am, but stupid me stayed up till 6am last night, then decided to get an hour of sleep. Well, didn't quite work out that way, as I ended up sleeping till 1pm! One of the assistants, Tina, called up at 8:30am apparently and left a messege. She annoys me. So I called up and pretended that I didn't even know I was supposed to be working today, I figured that was better then saying I over slept. I ended up going in at 3pm. I was surprised, cause my manager wasn't even mad at me! But now he's going to get really annoyed, I'm really pressing my luck here....I have my cousin's wedding on Sunday, and I forgot to ask for it off, so tommorrow I'll have to ask. That sucks, cause it's going to make me look like totally immature. Today on my break (which consists of me sitting in my car freezing, smoking a cigarette and listening to music) I was thinking about how alone I am, how fucking alone. I just feel like I always am, and always will be searching and searching, alone forever. It's not even just in the context of a relationship, cause I'm ok with being single. But in regards to everyone, I always feel like I will never truely have anyone who cares. I will always have this pain, eating away at my insides, this inner loneliness. It made me think of the movie Gia which I watched the other night, which is about this model that died of AIDS. She had wicked abandonment issues in the movie, always looking for love. "I have to go, i have to go. Everybody has to go. Where the FUCK does everyone go when they have to go?!"-Gia Ok I *think* I just finished a poem I've been working on, it's about Bud and it's lame. I wish I was creative and knew how to write fascinating and riveting poetry. Here it is: My heart is burning with emptyness Cast off onto the ground Forgotten like used toilet paper I am not what you want As much as I try to be. Yearning for you, for you to care but nothing is what I'm left with. Doubt is all you've given me I thought it was something but perhaps it was nothing. You pour your drink of pain into my emptyness, filled to the brim. All this so quickly, it seemed only yesterday that you cared. Now your change erodes me, shoveling a hole to my insides, creating a pit of despair. I am reaching, grasping, and you don't care. My thoughts consumed by you and I wonder does your mind even taste me? This raging battle in my mind, because you do nothing to quell my fears and anxieties, only plant more and water them each day. You cause my insides to ache. I need you. I wish you needed me. But you don't, that is quite unavoidably clear. I am but a ghost of your past Your new reality exludes me like a night club only a select few are accepted in and I now stand outside in the cold, rejected, hearing the blaring music on the inside I was once someone to you now it has past, like an expiration date passing it's day I am no longer acceptable and must be thrown away. If I only knew why you despised my very presence so. what did I do? Perhaps I shall never know my flaws that drove you away I rage at you in my mind the only place I can release my anger at you All my questions unanswered my uncertainties running rampant I'm left in a maze of utter confusion one I cannot find my way out of. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: