Date: Dec. 28, 2001 Time: 4:43 AM My current mood is: this entry is rated NC-17, and is of a sexual nature Man, I can't SLEEP! I've been trying to for hours, damn insomnia. I just can't seem to stop thinking, although I'm not sure if I can't sleep due to thinking to much or if I'm thinking because I can't sleep. I was thinking about Bud(of course), and whether I should break up with him. Just to update on that story, I ended up talking to him last night. I told him how upset I was with him, and how neglectful he's been to me. He felt really bad about it, and kept saying sorry in a low, sorrowfull voice. At one point he said "Why have I been such an asshole lately?". We talked about whether we should still go out or not, and he said he DIDN'T KNOW! He said maybe not, he still cares about me but he doesn't know if he has time for a relationship right now, and doesn't want to stress me out and make me upset by not being around. The thing is, he seems to think I'm mad that he has school....which is NOT it at all. Granted, it did make me kind of freak out inside that we couldn't hang out, but I knew we both had school and work so we didn't have time. Even if you don't see someone for a while though, you can still show them you care. It's more the fact that since finals are over now, he continues to not call me or hang out with me, now that we have time to he doesn't bother. Well anyway, I've already bitched enough about this situation in my diary, so I'm not going to continue on that. So I was just thinking about if I should indeed break up with him, and if I do will it soley be for the fact that I want to leave him before he leaves me? Am I being too harsh? Then again, if I don't break up and we make up, am I caving in? Not being assertive enough? It's a tough call. Should I give him a second chance? Do I just want to break up with him to see if he comes back to me? I think that one is also a biggy, I was thinking about that a lot tonight. How I really want to break up with him to see his reaction. If he pleads with me to go back out then I know he really cares, and if he says ok and never calls me again, he didn't care in the first place. Ok I'm sick of this whole thing now. May I also say, I was wondering if it would be appropriate to, after breaking up with him or maybe even before, to go have mad passionate sex with him. I'm so blue ball'd, haven't had sex in forever. I totally want to fuck him but I'm still mad, that would be cool if I could, damnit why do we have to be fighting? I also may have come to the realization about something to do with sex. I feel weird writing about my sex life in here, I feel like anyone reading this will be grossed out or something. It's not like I'm going to be writing some trashy sex novel or anything, don't worry. So the realization is about my least favorite sex position, doggie style. I think I realized why I don't like it so much. By the way, for those who do not know, doggie style is not anal sex(something I'm never trying!) But I started thinking, I have no idea why, and realized that I didn't think of it as bad before this thing happened, but then afterwards I did. Not bad even, just felt ashamed I guess. At least I think, I mean this may not be connected but I think it is. Back when I was 16 or 17, this supervisor at my work started touching me. No, not a pat on the back type of touching. It was so weird, I was so naive, I mean I must have been, or just really really stupid. I don't know why I let him do that. I mean I would always tell him no but he would do it anyway, and I just sort of let him, my "no's" were weak, coy, "maybe" no's. He made me feel like a whore. It wasn't that big of a deal I guess, I mean plenty of people have experienced worse. Plus, it's hard to look at it as being "molested" or something, when I was so old when it happened, it would be one thing if I was young, but at 16-17 I should have been able to handle something like that. So the connection to sex being, that he would rub himself against me from behind all the time. As I said before, I didn't like it, it confused me, and made me feel dirty. And that's the way doggie style sex makes me feel. I don't ever really do it. I wish I wasn't in a fight with Bud so I could tell him this, he asks me sometimes if we can do it that way, and I'm always reluctant. I don't even know why I'm writing about this, but hey, it's what's on my mind, so there. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: